Moving abroad is often painted as an adventure full of excitement, fresh starts, travel, and a fairytale life (thanks social media). And while all of that can be true, what you don’t hear as much about are the bumps in the road—the twists and turns that force you to rethink everything and remind you that life doesn’t always follow a neatly laid-out plan.
Have you heard the saying that goes something like, “If you want God to laugh, tell him about your plans.” I’m not religious, but the saying is so true. As someone who likes routines and gets majorly thrown off by wrenches being thrown in her plans, let’s just saying moving abroad has been great at helping me loosen up in that regard.
Let’s get into all the things that did NOT go to plan when I moved abroad to France.
7 Things that didn’t go to plan when moving to France
Before moving, I had plenty of expectations about how things would go. Some were based on research, others on ignorance, and a bunch on pure optimism. And yet, reality had different plans.
That’s not to say it hasn’t been worth it (because it absolutely has been and I wouldn’t still be here otherwise), but I think it’s important to shed light on the full spectrum of what a move abroad can be like. Not because you’ll necessarily experience the same things as I did but because it’s important to show that not everything is smooth sailing and we shouldn’t expect it to be.
Here are 7 things that didn’t go quite as I expected when I made France my home:
1. I didn’t magically become fluent in French after a year
Did you believe this one too?
Before moving to France, I had this idea that if you live in a country long enough, the language just “clicks.” Like one day, after a year or two, you wake up and—boom!—you’re fluent. I’d speak French just like my native speaking husband! WIN! Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work that way.
Maybe if you’re under 15 years old, super motivated, are 100% immersed with limited use of your native tongue and are constantly talking to different people in different contexts, all day, every day. But it’s not automatic and won’t magically happen like osmosis.
That can be a hard lesson to learn if you’re a bit of a perfectionist and you see your goal with a timeline crumbling before your eyes. I’ve had to majorly relaaaaaaaaaaaax. (I’ve probably gone a bit too far in the other direction now.)
Don’t get me wrong… my French has improved immensely, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I can navigate daily life just fine, but the road to becoming fluent is long, humbling, and full of moments where you feel like you’re making no progress at all. Backsliding is real.
Some days along the way, I’ve impressed myself by handling an entire conversation effortlessly, which was amazing in the early days. Other times, I’ll blank on the simplest words or get completely zone out in a fast-paced discussion.
You have to put in the time, like anything else. You might pick up enough French just by being exposed to it to be conversational but true fluency and learning the ins and outs of grammar and all that good stuff is not something you’ll magically pick up. You have to put in the work and keep putting in the work. You won’t become a perfect French speaker just because you live in France.
I’ve also learned that language learning isn’t linear, and no matter how long I live here, there will always be cultural nuances, slang, and expressions that escape me. And that’s okay. The goal is progress, not perfection.
2. We never had a wedding in France
Originally, the plan was to have a small civil ceremony in the U.S. so we could be married on paper and could then get my visa process started and officially move to France to be with Tom (atleast for a while, see point #3 for more on that). We planned to then have a larger wedding in France with Tom’s family at some point in the future. But that never happened.
After we were officially married in the U.S. at my local town hall, our thought process changed and between a bit of family drama and also realizing how much planning and money would go into a French wedding, we decided to not move forward with the French wedding… and I don’t regret it. (Our civil ceremony was featured in French Marie Claire though!)
The only thing I regret is that Tom’s family was not present in our little stateside ceremony (because we originally planned to have a wedding in France). That said, our wedding was beautiful and simple. I was never someone who was crazy about weddings or dreamed of a lavish big day anyway.
I think the wedding industry (especially in the U.S.) makes women think they need this big day to be larger than life and honestly, it’s just one day. The relationship is what matters. Unless you’re extremely wealthy, I feel like the money is better spent on a house or your life together instead of blowing it on a big party that’ll be over in the blink of an eye.
Top 12 reasons to marry a French guy >>
3. We stayed in France
Believe it or not, staying in France long term after getting married wasn’t the plan. At least, not at first.
We got married and thought I’d move to France temporarily, start Tom’s Green Card paperwork, and then move to the U.S. together a couple of years later. That was the plan for a while—until it wasn’t.
Plans change. Perspectives shift. Our healthcare, financial and life wants and needs became clear. And at some point, France started feeling like the right choice for us. Et voilà, we’ve been here ever since!
It’s funny to think about how different life could have been if we’d followed through with moving to the U.S.
Would I have missed France the way I sometimes miss home now? Would I speak French well? Would I feel like a foreigner in my own country? Would my relationships back in the U.S. be stronger? What would I be doing for work? What would Tom be doing? Would I feel like I was making the right choice? Did I make the right choice? Who knows? I think so.
What I do know is that France is home now—even if that wasn’t the original plan– and as long as we’re happy here, we’re staying.
4. My loved ones got sick
When you first move abroad, if you are like me and were in your 20s, you think of all the positives and don’t get bogged down with what can happen 5 or 10 years down the road. I was excited, newly married, had a new perspective and was psyched to embark on this new adventure with my best friend in his homeland. I didn’t want to focus on the what-ifs and any negativity that could bring me down.
Except when bad things happen, they can make you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Being so far away can be really challenging when people you love are suffering and you want to so badly be everywhere at once.
Would thinking about this stuff ahead of time have helped me in the moment? In retrospect, I’m not sure, but I’d like to think it would have prepared me better for the shock.
As a natural helper and someone who is empathetic to a fault, it pains me to have to hear about loved ones going through hard times when I’m so far away. Not that I could save them but being there counts for a lot. Over the years, several family members have gotten sick. My mom died in 2021.
In the words of Coldplay (The Scientist):
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start
I can’t listen to that song without crying.
Credit: CWR Photography
5. Some friendships have crumbled
Friends come and go in life and that can be the case even when you’re in your home country, so it’s not a problem that only those of us who live abroad experience. There are a lot of factors at play here and people can get weird. When you move abroad, the distance can change the dynamic of your friendships. If one or both people aren’t putting in the work, friends can become strangers.
The first time this happened to me, it really hurt. I’ve lost friends who I thought would be my ride-or-dies until the end. In generally, it always seems like I’m the one who puts more effort into friendships and when it’s not reciprocated for whatever reason, it hurts.
As I type this actually, I’ve reached out to three friends in the past month to say hi and none of them have gotten back to me. WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS??
Anyway, I’ve learned some hard lessons. People who are no longer in our lives are that way for a reason. I wish them the best but I don’t have time for people who aren’t on the same page with what they want out of a friendship.
6. Making friends as an adult was harder than expected
I assumed that moving to France would naturally lead to making a bunch of French friends right away—after all, I was living in their country! I even wrote a raw post on the loneliness from the first year here.
What I didn’t account for was how challenging it can be to break into established social circles as an adult, especially in a different culture.
The French aren’t unfriendly, but friendships here tend to be built slowly over time. Casual small talk doesn’t automatically lead to deeper relationships, and being the “new person” in an environment where people have known each other for years can be intimidating.
Also, when you first arrive, if your French isn’t great, it’s not easy to communicate. Honestly, think about what you have to offer people. In your home country, if someone with poor language skills tried to be friends, would you be 100% open to it? It’s awkward for both parties and you might isolate yourself or feel super lonely in the early days.
Over time, I’ve found my people—some French, some expats or immigrants like me—but it took effort and persistence. Putting myself out there, saying yes to invitations, and being patient with the process all helped.
All the people I’m friends or friendly with to this day were people I’ve met either at the park when I’d walk Dagny or at the gym. And some I met through this blog! It wasn’t instant, but it was worth it.
7. Culture shock and adapting takes longer than you’d think
This one is more insidious but I think it’s easy to assume that after three months or six months that culture shock will be a thing of the past. That you kind of graduate past that newcomer stage. But the reality is, culture shock can sneak up on you.
Of course there are the big differences that smack you in the face when you arrive in France but there are a million little culture shocks that reveal themselves little by little.
Even today, sometimes I’m left perplexed or uncomfortable or even confused by something I’ve just discovered and I’ve been here since 2012.
These sneaky French culture shocks might become particularly apparent when you move to a different area of France, encounter new people, maybe change jobs, or just have a French experience that’s new to you… whether that’s a month after you move or 10 years down the road.
Culture shock isn’t a one and done kind of thing where you magically integrate in three months and it’s over and done with. Culture shock, adapting and integrating takes time and it’s something I wasn’t prepared for.
When you look at culture shock as one big whole instead of all the little parts that add up, looking back it’s clear that when it felt especially stressful and insurmountable was when I was stressed about other life problems too, like money or job stress or family and health issues. Adding the culture shock stress on top of life stressors was a lot to deal with.
***
So there you have it, 7 things didn’t go exactly as planned when I started my life in France. Some things took longer than expected, some didn’t pan out at all, and others challenged me in ways I never anticipated. But despite all the snags along the way, it’s been worth it.
Will I stay in France forever? Maybe. Maybe not. For now, this is home. And I’ve learned that home isn’t about things going according to plan—it’s about making peace with the unexpected and embracing the life you build along the way.
Have you ever had a big life move where everything didn’t go exactly to plan? Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear your story!
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Hi again Diane, having “felt lonely” in France and other spots in Europe on visits and read your “Lonely expat problem and making friends abroad” post I thought I’d offer a suggestion other than the gym for building up some social contacts. That is, learn to play music. I’ve been a electric/acoustic guitarist for over 50 years (and drummer for 30+ years too) and though only just starting on solo performing (last 5 years or so) I was good enough and brave enough to line up an open mic on my first visit to Prague a couple years back and play there. I don’t speak Czech hardly at all but ended up having a nice time, got some applause and got to see what the young Czech crowd REALLY liked, which happened to be NOT my lightning blues guitar but rather an older guy playing simply chords on a nylon string guitar and singing the “Alleluia” hymn, and the whole little club was singing along with him! …Simple high-school level guitar playing. And then a Greek girl with the same simple sort of guitar work and singing some love song. Just about anyone, and I mean anyone, can learn to play guitar or anything else and it is great social grease. You can challenge and have all kinds of fun terrifying yourself into getting up in front of a small crowd (who are always with you as my performance coach assured me), and giving them some simple tunes. You can find all kinds of beginner & experienced people to jam with, stumbling or not (Bandmix.com is a good one, but you have to get pushy to get people to actually meet up with you). Start recording your stuff immediately on your phone/apps or on Garageband (Apple), etc, and just push yourself out there. It’s more fun even if you’re starting out instead of being old and expert and jaded like me haha. “Talent” has NOTHING to do with it. If you’re the least bit mathematical (i.e. you can count from 1 to 8 on a beat, that’s what metronomes are for) you can train your body and mind, with steady perseverance, to play anything. I have read that in 18th century Germany that practically every other household had a family band, with people playing multiple different instruments, it was that routine a part of life. Here are a few posts I found that illustrate. So learn to play something and get pushy about it no matter how scared you are at first. Musicianship is a universal language. And you might just fall in love with someone 🙂
https://playpiano.com/composers/a-musical-family-johann-sebastian-bach-and-the-bach-family
Johann Sebastian Bach was surrounded by music from birth. His father was an organist for St. George’s Church, and all his uncles were professional musicians. They included everything from court chamber performers to classical composers.
Bach’s father taught him how to play violin and harpsichord when he was very young. Johann Sebastian’s famous uncle Johann Christoph Bach taught him the fine art of organ playing.
Sadly, Johann Sebastian Bach was orphaned when he was just 10 years old. His mother died in 1694, and his father died only eight months later. He then moved in with his brother, who was also a famous organist named Johann Christoph Bach. He began to study music in earnest, learning to compose, perform and write music professionally under his brother’s tutelage. He also learned to play the clavichord.
In 1720 Bach’s wife died unexpectedly. A year later, he remarried a soprano singer named Anna Magdalena Wilcke. Together, they had 13 children. Six of them survived to adulthood, and all six were talented musicians.
https://www.colonialwilliamsburg.org/discover/historic-area/art-museums-of-colonial-williamsburg/exhibitions/making-music-in-early-america/
In the colonial era, music could be heard in the work fields, the militia campsites, the slave quarters, the church, the theatre, the ballroom, and the parlor. It was part of everyday life. Although there was no way to just turn on the music, there were many ways to create it. Instructors gave voice lessons or taught their students to play any number of instruments from spinets and harpsichord to violins and harps. There were even instruments to teach birds how to sing to enliven a dinner party. Some music like those of the enslaved community was passed from generation to generation. Music was a large part of people’s experience and helped foster a sense of community whether it was accompanying the organ in song at church or an impromptu concert at home to show off their talents to friends.
https://www.oxfordwesternmusic.com/view/Volume2/actrade-9780195384826-div1-13005.xml
(the 19th century)… was the century in which instrumental design and concert-hall construction rose to the challenge of the new mass audience with an unprecedented burst of technological advancement, when parlor pianos became standard middle-class furniture and had to be mass-produced to meet the demand, and when music publishing, benefiting from the industrial revolution, ballooned into a big business. The nineteenth century was the first great century of musical commerce and publicity.
I resonate with quite a few of these (I moved from the UK to the U.S.), and it was interesting, as well as encouraging, to read your experiences. It shows that you can have the best laid plans but there will always be unexpected things to contend with. Great post—thanks for sharing!
Glad you enjoyed it, Molly! I appreciate your comment, as always 🙂
As an American expat also living in Europe with my European husband, I can relate to so much of this. Our local language is fairly obscure, extremely difficult (Level 4) and no one really expects much from any non-native speaker. I can get by in casual interactions, but full fluency seems almost impossible. I do my best and agree language learning isn’t linear. I’ve also lost friends over the five years I’ve been away. It helped to hear you’ve also been ghosted. I thought it was just me! It’s the worst and impossible to fully understand. Thank you for your honesty and constructive attitude on fledgling friendships.
Sorry, I’m late to this post, but we have now been in France for nearly 2 years. My French is improving but still not up to the proficiency I think I had in college when living here. But at that time I was living with French speakers-it’s very hard for my brain to go back and forth between English with my husband and French, so I think that’s why my language improvement is slower.
I would highly recommend joining a “newcomers “ group if you are new. Everyone is in the same boat, seeking friends, advice, connections. We joined AVF which has both French and foreigners as members. There are also other groups where you can meet others who speak your native language that you can find on facebook. Volunteering to help French speakers practice English is also a great way to get to know people in a very convivial setting.
I have also moved a few times in the US and I don’t think it was particularly easy to make friends there either. I’m not a chatty person, so it takes time for me to get close to people. Joining walking groups, a choir, or a book club are all good ways to make connections.