Without friends, most of us would probably go insane. Friends are everything — they’re the voices of reason who always know when to speak up, the ones who tell you the truth about how you look in that dress, the only people in the world who would do anything for you and always have your back, the ones who laugh at your jokes and the rocks you turn to when no one else seems to understand. But time brings with it inevitable changes. And what about friendship when you move abroad? If you add moving abroad to the mix, things can even become more complicated than you ever anticipated in the friends department. It’s not easy to make friends abroad.
On friendship when you move abroad
Happy Monday! I try to keep my blog as real as possible because I’d be doing a disservice to my readers if I only showed a one-sided view of life abroad and looked at everything through rose-colored glasses. Many things are rosy here, but as with life anywhere, there are downsides to making a major life change. So that said, read on…
Friendship is a recurring theme in my writing and something I have trouble with now that I’ve left the comforts of home for a life in France. I try not to look back but can’t help but compare my life now to what it was back in the U.S when it comes to friends.
Even if I hadn’t moved abroad, we go through transitions and friends come and go maybe because of domestic moves, job changes and other life changes that can get in the way. In-person friends soon become FaceTime-only friends and work friends fade into the background once you change jobs.
The theme of change is one we all can identify with.
When people say you’re “lucky” to live abroad >>
I wouldn’t consider myself a social butterfly but I’m reasonably outgoing and enjoy the company of others. I’ve always had a small circle of friends over the years that I could count on and we’d have fun together. I’m a fiercely loyal friend and want you to put in as much effort as I am.
But after college, people move away, get busy with work and their relationships, have babies, seem to drop off the face of the earth, and it’s only natural for friendships to change over time.
I totally get that it’s normal but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Another change that some of us experience is the change that comes with expat life. Friendship when you move abroad is… different. Perhaps a less sensitive person would just shrug and move on. But that’s not me. Never has been. How do you make friends abroad anyway?
When you become an expat (or even a move closer to home), you’ll encounter all kinds of changes when it comes to friends.
Things that can happen to friendship when you move abroad:
Some people from back home will be genuinely excited for you and your big life change — and show they care.
They’ll be eager to hear all the details and happy for the direction your life has taken. They’ll go out of their way to send you cards and little care packages and to pick up the phone when you call. These are the people who will brighten your day without them even realizing it. The simple act of them taking 10 minutes to send a card or email means the world to you and the little things they do (even just checking in via that quick email) remind you of why you even became friends with them in the first place. Even just one friend like this is amazing to have. It’s so important to reciprocate and do your part too. Show them what they mean to you because trust me, these friends are RARE.
Other friends will disappear.
Some people will really surprise you — in a bad way — and view you as “out of sight, out of mind.” This is maybe the hardest thing to come to terms with about friendship when you move abroad. It’s a fact of life that people drift apart over time when their lives go in different directions. But when people don’t stay in touch despite your best efforts and the friendship becomes one sided, it’s especially hard to take.
This is even more true when the people in question are good friends who make zero effort to keep in touch aside from a random Facebook like or one-line email every now and again. It can be a “slow fade” and you won’t even realize at first that someone is phasing you out. Sure, I’m not physically there to do anything in person, but I’m still alive and value friendships from back home. Guess not everyone’s priorities are the same.
These friendships will change out of seemingly nowhere and people you once counted on will leave you feeling gutted to the core. Like you just don’t matter anymore and you don’t have any idea what happened to the person you once knew. These friendships are the hardest to cope with. Like when you find out a good friend had a baby… on Facebook. And she didn’t even take 2 minutes to drop you a one-line email to tell you she was pregnant. Ouch.
Some friends want to know when you’re moving back home.
These people assume expat life is temporary and they want you back so you can do things together. They mean well and are genuinely hopeful for your return. It’s just that they miss you. But they’d value your friendship more if you were physically there. Sometimes they just don’t know what to ask you.
You’ll have secretly envious friends.
These “friends” will be subtly rude. They’ll say things like “Must be nice” as in “Must be nice to just pick up and move to dreamy France” as if expat life doesn’t come with its fair share of struggles. Why yes, it is nice to make a life change for yourself that took a lot of work and sacrifice. It is nice to finally be where you want to be with the person you want to be with. I’m a big fan of making goals for yourself and then accomplishing them. But “must be nice” just comes across as stupid and somehow insinuates that I chose the easy road. What people don’t get is that if something is important enough, you should make it happen — you’ll be happier! Moving to France is great a lot of the time but it’s not paradise. France as a tourist while on vacation is NOT the same as living here, not by a long shot.
You’ll make friends abroad via email.
If you have a blog, random strangers and other expats will write to say hi, to ask for advice (and often never write back to say thanks after you’ve taken the time to help them out) and to let you know you’re not alone. These email friendships mean a lot and I’m grateful for all of my blog friends. If you’re new here (or are a lurker that never comments), write me and say hi! 😉 It means more than you know!
How to make friends as an expat >>
Making friends in a new country requires a LOT of work and even then, you still might not make any friends. Putting yourself out there is exhausting and always having to be “on,” especially in your second language, can fatigue even the most energetic person. Then if you do meet someone, it might feel like they don’t get the real you or that you can’t be yourself 100%. It’s just not the same as friends from back home.
So what does all this mean?
It means that maybe we should all be a little bit more mindful of friendships from the past, in the present and in the future. This applies to all friends and not just about one’s quest to make friends abroad.
Friendship is a two-way street, but I think we can all be better friends and that looks different for each of us. Maybe that means taking 10 minutes to write that email you’ve been meaning to write to a friend you’ve lost touch with. Would it really ruin your day to do that? Maybe it means apologizing to someone who deserves your apology. Maybe it means giving someone a second (or third) chance. Or being the bigger person and just letting that grudge go. Or maybe it means letting go of the past and just being at peace with where you are in the present.
If you’ve lost touch with someone because they’ve moved abroad (or whatever reason), maybe you can take a minute out of your day to check in. To say hi. To catch up. To let them know they still matter. Because I guarantee you that they do think of you, and your reaching out might just make a major difference in their life.
I challenge you to take a few minutes to focus on being a better friend. Those abroad and those at “home.”
Jackie says
My mom told me, when I was very young, if you can count your friends on one hand you are very blessed. I have gone through all that you mentioned regarding friends. The one of the list that is hardest is when you have reached out, a lot, to a friend but they don’t return any acknowledgement that you matter. Well, c’est la vie. I treasure the friends I have kept all the more. I especially treasure the friend that really listens to me.
Diane says
All we can do is our best and live our lives w/our head held high, treat others how we want to be treated and then it’s on them, or the universe, to reciprocate. Like you, I treasure the true friends I have. Thank you for your insight!
Cynthia says
This is really very beautiful, Diane ! You always write from the heart and it is the truth. I agree with you, I think that it is important to keep our hearts open towards others. What you are saying is very true about the phone calls and e-mails. I think that if we are a loving person and we are in a place of 0 friendships we are learning about unconditional love. For me I think that I’ve learned to let go and create my own happiness. This is because the community I live in is for couples only. Single women are not welcome at any events. You cannot even attend a French language meet-up unless you are in a relationship. Friendship is not something that is considered and you are told up front that you are not welcome. But to me Friendship is a great blessing. To me it is equal to having your soul mate in a wonderful marriage and a very loving and supportive family. Unfortunately we are living in a period of time that is very difficult. The world is a very material place. Most people don’t see the spiritual side of things. It’s only the cold hard logical facts of what they think is practical. They prefer to live inside a box with a very limited view of the world outside of their own small circle. To me it is elitism. It’s hard to believe that people still judge others for moving a distance to be with the person they love. But it’s the truth and I feel that jealousy cuts so deep and destroys even the deepest of friendships. Most often those kinds of friendships cannot be repaired. In my experiences in life, I’ve found that most often they end. I’ve also come to except if something or someone isn’t to be in my life. I know that as hurtful as the rejection may be that person or situation is not a part of my destiny. The pain I have experienced through the rejection of others has opened me to a higher spiritual level. Releasing people and situations has brought me to a much better place. I have come to know myself better. Everyday I look at what I do have in life. I look at everyday as a big adventure on this planet ! Life is beautiful ! If people could get past their judgments of others they would find that the journey here is a very sacred experience. True friends are a very sacred gift to be cherished ! The greatest gift that we have is the ability to love and help heal one another !
Love and light
Cynthia
Diane says
Thank you, Cynthia, for sharing your experience. Again, I’m so sorry to hear of your friend troubles but I applaud you for finding that spiritual connection and getting to a better place while. Attitude is everything so it’s refreshing to see that you keep the positives in mind. Agree w/your last statement as well about true friends being a gift and that we are here to love on another. Thanks again for commenting!
Cynthia says
You are a Dear Heart and an Angel, Diane ! Thank you so much for your beautiful writing and your positive thoughts and encouragement ! It’s so enriching for me to read your posts ! I find everything here very enlightening !
Blessed be !
Cynthia
Ze Coach says
Bonjour Diane,
This is a very deep and interesting post today. As for my wife and I, it is our 3rd year in Dallas, Texas and I can tell you that we have encountered all the kind of changes you are talking about. It is a little different from your experience because we came to the US with our 3 kids. But I still totally relate to what you feel.
Sometimes, I say to myself that some friendships are just for “convenience”. I mean, they just exist because you share the same interest at a certain moment in time in a specific place. But once location, the schedule or interests changes, they just vanish. I think maybe it’s not that of a big deal if you take these friendships for what they are. In the end, time works like a filter so you keep only the deepest friendship. Problem is that, like you wrote, sometime there are some that you would have liked to keep alive.
Now, I also know that we all evolve and change. Our priorities can change too. For example, now that I have 3 kids, I have less time for myself, so less time for my friends.
One last thing, I noticed that it was hard for us to make American friends. We made some in the French community and with other foreigners but not with Americans. After 2 years, we gave up trying to build a relationship with local people. I guess it has to do with the difference of culture and language. Also, I sometimes think that we might be seen as “temporary”. We are permanent resident but it’s true we don’t know how long we’ll stay. It takes time to invest in a relationship. So maybe people don’t want to “invest” on us.
Have a great day Diane.
Diane says
Hi there Ze Coach, you brought up lots of good points. First, I thought you were female. I don’t know why. Sorry about that! Second, the part about friendship for convenience is another friend category and these often dissolve whenever there’s a life change, in my experience. Like a work friend and if you change jobs, that work friend disappears. But maybe it’s because aside from work, there weren’t that many common interests anyway so how close could you have really gotten? It doesn’t hurt any less though to see friends come and go. And perhaps it’s easier to deal with this when there are distractions like a busy job or kids or family responsibilities. I guess it just depends, but like you said, taking these friendships for what they are is important to keeping the reality “in check.”
I’m sorry it’s been hard for you to make American friends. I’ve never been to Dallas but not sure if it’s location specific. Americans can be very friendly outwardly but then not follow up on invitations to get together. It’s not that we’re all like this but it all depends on the person I guess. Maybe it is because people view you as temporary but that doesn’t make you any less deserving of having real relationships and connections. It’s still 3 years of your life. There are no easy answers to the friends equation. I don’t know if French people are difficult to get to know. Sure seems like it and people have told me as much but then all the French people who comment on my blog would probably make great friends. So I have no answers here. Thank you so much for contributing to the discussion! What’s your name, by the way?
Ze Coach says
Howdy? (Texan thing I think) I don’t know why I told you all that. It’s your fault, you started it. If you open your heart, don’t you know that your reader will feel comfortable to do the same in return? 🙂
About Americans, or should I say Texans – which can be a different animal so I’ve been told 🙂 – I really think they are indeed very friendly and open minded. But with the ones I know, we’ve never been invited in their home except for 2. Some French expats who have been here for 10 years and more have their own theory. I don’t know how accurate it is but they think that Americans make friends for life in college and then along their career don’t make real new ones. Obviously it cannot be true for every individual and I don’t want to upset anyone with this theory. But I thought it might explain our difficulty to make American friends versus French and other foreigners.
Now, one cannot completely exclude that maybe I am a very dislikable and rude person! 🙂 It reminds me of a joke I heard on the NPR station in the show “Wait wait wait don’t tell me”. I was after the French presidential election. The host said:
“According to a poll, French people did not reelect Sarkozy for a second term because they thought he was rude. But he’s French, what did they expect?”
Have a great day Diane
P.S. My first name is the 3 last letters of my email. I prefer to keep it private in my comments on the web.
Diane says
Your last name is the last 3 letters? Or your first? Very unique first name if that’s the case.
The theory about making friends in college or at work might hold true to some extent. Those are two places where it’s certainly more convenient and easier to meet people. I really think it comes down to the individuals and what people are looking for in life. I am going to put a sign on my forehead to let others know I am open to making friends. Normal ones hahaha.
Muriel A says
Everyone in Las Vegas is seen as “temporary” and it’s difficult to make lasting friendships. I didn’t realize that was true of Dalla as well, but maybe it’s a factor of large cities more than rural areas.
Good luck to you!
Samantha @mytanfeet says
Very very true, I’ve experienced all of these “types” of friends and there’s no truer word spoken than it’s hard to make friends abroad, especially if you don’t know the language. Luckily we both have our men 🙂 But definitely also depends on the country you’re moving too as well and thankfully Costa Ricans treat you like family the moment you meet them. I was surprised at how supportive and encouraging my family and friends were and then some whose reactions I wasn’t expecting, who thought it was just a joke or that I’m crazy and I wouldn’t make it. It really shows you who your real friends are. Great article Diane! I always enjoy reading your expat posts as I can relate greatly.
Diane says
I will have to go to Costa Rica one day to see this friendliness first-hand. And yes, sometimes it takes a big life change to see who your real friends are, as sad as it can be. Thank you again for checking out the post!
Ella Coquine says
Another wonderful post that rings so true, Diane. The friend part of moving abroad was one of the most unexpected challenges I have faced. Mostly, I was shocked by the response from my “friends” back home. They made me feel like such merde for following my dreams!
Big changes, good or bad, really do show you who your real friends are.
I love this post. Thank you.
Diane says
Thank you, and so sorry to hear you’ve had similar friend troubles. It’s strange that sometimes the expected path of staying in one place and doing the typical thing is somehow preferential to taking a risk and doing what you really want, in some people’s minds. Or that it upsets them. I don’t get people sometimes. For me, I like pursuing things that matter to me and taking risks along the way, within reason, because who knows if I’ll get hit by a bus next week. And then I’d look back at my life and wonder why I never left New York for a life abroad. That’s just my mindset and I guess it doesn’t fit well with what others going on. The thing is, I shouldn’t care but I do. And when you lose friends or drift apart from them because of it, it does hurt. ;-( Oh well, but I guess life is a trade-off, right? Thanks again for your comment!
Punaiz says
Hello Diane,
Sorry I did not respond to your previous post about religion. I will come to it, but need some preparation not to fill it up with prejudice and useless provocative sentences.
Some of the posts up there could be an illustration to that topic, and it would be so easy and bad to use it as example.
Thank you for your challenge about friends. But I would believe that having good or not good friend is all about what we expect from them.
You obviously met a woman who expects a lot from a friend, and it scared you out.
I believe that when someone center of interest shifts to something new or else, than teh friends center of interest might also shift, but not necessarily in the same direction.
This also could happen to a lover/husband/boyfriend, and in that case it has even more dreadful effect.
And this illustrate the risk of having a husband who is also-by-the-way your best friend.
This brings me naturally to the origin of your post. Being an expat is extremely demanding to a friendship. Than, don’t anyone dream about keeping a love relation with someone who does not live with you.
A little thought for my expat friends who have for proffessional reason to work abroad while family stays at home.
You made hte right choice in deciding to live with the man you want to keep with you. Even though it is not paradise.
Diane says
No prob at all, you’re not obligated to respond. 😉 And you’re always welcome to email me off the blog!
I don’t think good/bad friends are only about our expectations. People can be really shitty all on their own and has nothing to do with what we expect. But I do see what you’re saying. The woman I mentioned in my other post was absolutely nuts, didn’t just expect a lot from me, but was going about it all wrong and acting like a psycho. So for my own safety, I ended that one!
And you’re absolutely correct about the demanding nature of expat friendships (staying in contact with those back home). It’s hard on both ends for different reasons and a few of the same. But what I’ve learned is that you have to put yourself first and if something makes you happy, you have to go for it because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Sacrificing your own happiness isn’t always the best route. But we all take different paths and what works for you might not work for me. But regardless, friends change as circumstances change and we can all identify with that.
France isn’t paradise, no, because nowhere is paradise. But it was the best thing for me to move here and I count my blessings every day 😉
Do you live in France?
Ruth says
Hi Diane
Read your blog for the first time this evening, and your comments about different types of friends, really hit home.
I moved to France (Alsace) in 2009, to be with my partner – I am English, he is French. It’s not always fabulous, but we are happy together. Language and friendships are my main issues. My french is ok – not fantastic, but I get by. However I don’t feel I have friends here – acquaintances, but not friends. Back in the UK, I could always call a friend to go for a coffee, or to the movies…here-well, I can’t. It’s not just me – it’s my partner too! We travel in Germany and Italy a fair bit, and we actually have more friends in Italy, than we do here in France. Only a couple of my good friends in the UK, still fall into that category – and one friend (my ‘best’ friend, so I thought), let me down in a big way – arranged to visit, a few times, came up with excuses why she couldn’t; arranged to Skype or phone, then wasn’t available…..lots of stuff along the same lines. I have finally, reluctantly, given up – I now use the time I would have wasted on chasing her friendship, to spend time on the real friendships I have left….and trying to find the elusive new ones! 🙂
Diane says
Hi Ruth, sorry for the delay in my response. Your message was buried in my spam folder for some reason. Anyway, I have to say I’m sorry you can relate. I know what you mean about acquaintances vs friends. It’s just not the same. And I agree that sometimes it’s best to save your energy and cut ties with people who bring you down because life is too short to spend time on people that don’t matter. I wish you the best of luck with finding new friendships! Thank you for checking out my blog!
Liv says
The honest truth behind how essential good friends are is the fact that living abroad is not a simple case of an easy ‘living in paradise’ scenario. While I love living overseas, I truly appreciate the little notes and things I receive from friends back home. Knowing that you are in someone’s thoughts can really help if you’re going through a rough patch.
Amanda says
“Putting yourself out there is exhausting and always having to be “on,” especially in your second language, can fatigue even the most energetic person.”
Agreed! I’m like you, I’m a social butterfly and NEED my friends to survive, but with the language barrier (because, let’s admit it, you cannot perfect the french language when it’s not your mother tongue, and even when it is…) and the cultural differences (because even if you watch the same shows and movies, you’ll know them in english and they’ll know them in french) I’ve had a LOT of trouble making friends here in France.
It makes me crazy miss the US, it makes me miss speaking in english with people, having the ease of knowing that your sentence is going to come out correctly and no one is going to be correcting your grammar or the fact that you just can’t get a hold of “la” and “le”. It’s all quite frustrating.
Maybe it’ll come naturally later, but I’ve been here just short of 5 years, and that feels like a really long time to not have made friends and to not have a social life outside of your boyfriend/dog/cats. Lol
Haider says
Hi!