It’s easy to find a million reasons why you should move abroad to France. But once you’re here, is life perfect? Of course not! Let’s talk about the hardest parts of living abroad in France and the challenging aspects.
The hardest parts of living abroad in France
You can still enjoy your life abroad and know it’s the right place for you to be while simultaneously talking about what’s difficult, so that’s what I’m doing here.
Life isn’t so black and white and no place is 100% perfect. I’ve talked about this warped mentality people seem to have that life abroad=a 24/7 vacation and that’s just not the case for most people. Life abroad is real life and not a paradise.
A quick reminder: I feel like I don’t need to say this because I have a good group here, but I’m saying it anyway. If you leave a comment, please be kind. I am sharing my personal experience as someone who has been abroad for 6+ years now and there’s no one right way to do anything.
What I’ve written below is my truth. What you find hard about living in France might look totally different and I acknowledge that (if you move abroad as a parent, as a retiree, as a student, as a single person, as someone living in Paris, as someone staying for just a year or two, etc.).
Regardless of what has brought us abroad or what’s led us back home, there’s value in sharing, connecting, and supporting each other no matter where we are on our living abroad journey. So be cool, aight?
The hardest parts of living abroad in France:
(you’ll notice most aren’t France specific at this point, 6+ years in…)
1. Being away from everything that’s comfortable
I don’t think anything positive comes from staying in our comfort zones forever, but sometimes it sure feels good to be surrounded by people, ideas, and ways of doing things that feel familiar. Being away from all things “comfortable” can feel difficult especially during times when you’re not at your best. So under this umbrella, I’m including the people we love, first and foremost, but also culture and mindsets that we grew up with and know like the back of our hand.
As hard as it is being away, it’s also a positive because it exposes us to a whole new way of doing things. These new things become the norm after a while, things like having to deal with new store hours or learning how to go around a traffic circle the right way. The little things aren’t a major concern after you’ve lived somewhere for several years and have adapted, but now and then you just yearn for that comfortable feeling of home.
Pros and cons of life in France that matter most >>
2. Social connections
I’ve touched on this in various posts over the years. Social norms in France are very different than what I was used to from back home. French people have public and private spheres that are quite separate. A lot of times, what would be considered normal small talk in the US would be considered prying into someone’s personal life in France or even rude.
(Note: I want to say that of course there are going to be super outgoing, open people in all areas of the world just like others are more closed off and cold. I’m not saying ALL people of one nationality are any one particular way. I’m not making a sweeping generalization about people’s personalities either, but I am saying that the way French people go about interacting socially is different than what a lot of people would consider normal in the USA. Social differences are something to be aware of.)
I’ve talked about this example before, but for anyone new here, let me recap it. Looking back, it was just a misunderstanding and part of the process of me learning about French culture, but my first couple of years in France, this type of situation really got to me. I thought people were kind of blasé, uninterested, and detached, so much so that I thought there was something wrong with me. I’d second-guess how I spoke, what I did, even how much I smiled. It made me kind of nuts thinking I was the problem!
So long story short, I was at my neighborhood pharmacy one day talking to the pharmacist. He’s a man in his 50s who I’d been seeing weekly for about a year at that point. We aren’t friends but we’re friendly enough.
One day, he mentioned he’d be on vacation the next week and to see his employee about the medicine I needed to pick up. I thanked him and then asked where he was going on vacation, genuinely curious and interested in his plans. French people often jet off for 2-3 weeks during the summer and it’s a hot topic of conversation, so I made some small talk asking if he was going with his family and if he’d been there before. Things like that. He politely answered my questions.
Then I mentioned that I had just gotten back from vacation. I paused to let him respond. To my surprise, he didn’t ask me anything about where I’d been, if I’d visited family, nothing. No details. I felt like the conversation came to a weird halt with a farewell bonne journée au revoir, but I shrugged it off and figured he was busy with work. No biggie.
Except this sort of interaction would happen again with others as time went on. Not with every person; some people are chattier than others. But it would happen often enough that I’d noticed a pattern. I’d ask people some questions as part of our conversation, as you do — nothing crazy personal or out of line at all — and they’d politely respond but wouldn’t reciprocate and ask me much of anything at all.
I know I’m not the only foreigner in France, nor am I the most interesting person in the world, but I’m a human being with things to say and it felt like everyone was closed off to chitchat and that no one really cared.
Honestly, I took it personally and looking back, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that. I’d think to myself, “Wow, I’m new here. A foreigner. Clearly I don’t have it easy with the language or integration and no one is making an effort to try to get to know me like I’m trying to get to know them?” It was incredibly isolating to feel like people weren’t very receptive to getting to know a newcomer. These days, I go out of my way to talk to newbies because I know what it feels like being on the other side.
As time went on, I learned more about the social norms in France. I’ve accepted that this aspect about my life in France is just something to adapt to and is nothing to take personally or fear. It’s not good or bad. I’m not saying being overly bubbly and superficial is the right way either. As someone who is here permanently, I’d be better off if I learned to roll with it. So I did and have worked hard at finding like-minded individuals who have similar interests and mindsets. But making friends has not been easy at all and that is something that can be difficult anywhere. It’s not a French or American problem and is certainly not a problem only foreigners abroad face.
Reflections on 5 years in France >>
3. The French language
Ask anyone who has thrown themselves headfirst into language learning if their journey has been linear and all unicorns and rainbows and they’ll laugh at the absurdity of the question. Picking up French, or any language, as an adult has its ups and downs and is anything but easy. Just because you get to an advanced level or consider yourself fluent doesn’t mean all of your problems with the language will disappear. You may miss cultural references, not know words, or feel like an outsider because of your accent. Some people don’t care. I do.
I speak French just fine but I’m clearly an outsider. I can always improve and some days I just don’t have the motivation to practice and push myself. Then I beat myself up for not being good “enough.” Whatever enough means. We’re allowed to make mistakes and not know stuff. I’d give anyone else in my position a break. But do I give myself a break? Maybe a less sensitive person wouldn’t care so much but the language is one of the major challenges of living abroad in France.
Sometimes I feel like damn, I’ve been here 6 years, I should speak French perfectly just like my native French speaking husband but with an accent and I’m far, far from that. So in my head, I feel like I’ve already failed, although I know that’s a stupid way to think since I can always just set my mind to it and work on improving. But then I convince myself that I’ll never sound like a native speaker, so why try to improve upon where I am if I’m good enough to live my life and talk to anyone about anything? I’m just being honest about how hard I am on myself. Maybe you can relate? I hope you can’t.
The truth is that speaking French or taking stock of how much you don’t know can be overwhelming and tiring. You can be the most positive and motivated person in the world with the best attitude and some days it’ll just get you down. Then logically, I look at people who have been here 20 years who still make mistakes and remind myself we’re all just doing the best we can. Most people do not speak their second language as fluidly as their mother tongue and that is normal. And refreshing. My French books are waiting for me when I’m ready to crack them open again…
The dark side of expat life in France (and where to turn for help) >>
4. Life problems
When you’re going through a difficult period in life, it sucks regardless of where you live. Hard times are hard even when you’re at home. I’m talking about things like death, loss, career changes, health struggles, stress, personal conflicts, and more. No one wants to deal with any of these things — ever. But living abroad makes delicate circumstances even more fragile.
Distance adds one extra level of complexity that makes navigating hard times more stressful. That’s not to say that everyone should just stay home where they’re comfortable. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m a big advocate for pushing yourself and trying new and challenging things. But what I am saying is that when life is difficult, being abroad doesn’t make it any easier and it’s one of the challenges of living abroad in France or anywhere.
Time zones, communication challenges, tech issues, physical distance, and more all contribute to turning the dial up on your stress levels when that’s the last thing you need.
What’s surprised me the most about life in France?
***
Having this conversation about things that are hard when you live abroad in France isn’t meant to dissuade you from moving abroad. It’s real talk, which I feel is a necessary part of the living abroad conversation as a whole. It’s easy to gloss over talking about the hard stuff or to ignore it completely.
Again, life isn’t easy anywhere and if all we do is post pictures of beautiful places and talk about how wonderful life is all the time, we’re crafting a dishonest narrative. That’s not one I aim to perpetuate on this blog. I like having real conversations and talking about things that aren’t always so rosy.
***
What’s been the hardest part of living abroad for you? Has it changed as time has passed? Tell me about your challenges of living abroad in France or elsewhere below!
PIN ME:
Very well written Diane ! I believe that it’s the time in which we are living. What you are experiencing is going on everywhere. People are more self absorbed, they separate everything in life. Fifty years ago it was a lot different. People did share their problems, hopes and dreams with each other. It wasn’t hard to make friends. Couples went to dinner and out dancing. Europe was different after the war.
The generation of children born in the 50’s and beyond have changed. They don’t have the same values. Example: my close friend had the opportunity of a life time.
The family home place was willed to him. It has been in the family for generations. Lots of land, his grandfather was a farmer. My friend chose a life in the city. The land is neglected, the grandparents are heartbroken.
This is the era of political correctness and social status. That is what separates people. Thank you so much for the post ! Keep writing ! Light from California !
Cynthia, thanks so much for reading! Times certainly have changed. Even just from when I was kid until now — social media, fast-paced everything, terrible online behavior because of that social media, short attention spans, etc. But it’s not all bad.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s situation with the family home.
The more we can do to come together and understand each other, the better off we’ll all be.
Appreciate your support!
Thanks for sharing this inside look at the realities of life in France. Some of the things I struggle with is making friends too. As you said in your article, what some people consider small talk and polite is considered rude or nosy. I have been lucky in that I make friends through my children. as you know, I have three children. Most of my good friends are the parents of my children’s friends. So I’ve been able to make friends who accept my way off doing things while they show me the French way of doing things. Without them I might now enjoy my life here as much as I do.
Thanks for reading, Annie! Although I don’t have kids, other dog owners are the people I’m the most friendly with so I understand about making friends with the other parents. Having children in the same class (or dogs at the same park, in my case) gives you a way to connect and that’s so important no matter where you live. Dogs, kids, activities, religion, whatever it is, having a common thread is key.
Thanks for this Diane! I moved from the US to Uzès in October and it has been a wonderful experience so far. This was on point, particularly about the language. I’ve taken the liberty of copying that part and posting on Facebook (crediting you) because I have friends at different levels with the same frustration.
You’re very welcome. Thank you for reading! Even after 20 years here, I know I’ll always be hard on myself and want to do better. But I just try to enjoy where I’m at now and not worry about the rest at this point :-). Yes, please be sure to tag me on Facebook and linked to the entire post so nothing is taken out of context. Thank you again!
I studied abroad in France and then was able to live there for two year-long stints a number of years ago (over 25 years ago). I was able to make some friends, then, and I have stayed in touch with a few. When I went back to visit a few years ago, I was quickly annoyed at how bossy and judgemental these folks were with me after spending just a few days together. It suggested to me that it would be challenging to deal with it regularly. For example, I was out with a friend visiting a town and bought some chocolate. I wanted to eat it in the car on the way home and the friend insisted that I not eat it because it was between meals, or some other crazy dietary prohibition (there seem to be a lot of irrational prohibitions, generally). I wanted to protest that I am middle-aged woman and I can eat chocolate whenever I want, but I let it lie. There were other examples where people got into my business, so to speak, based on these types of prohibitions or opinions about what should be done, and it drove me nuts. Best wishes as you find your way through your life in France.
Hi Rebecca! Thank you for sharing your experience. I guess we can say there are annoying people like that everywhere, but I have to say, there seems to be a really high concentration of people with mindsets like that in France. Just ideas about food, or how to deal with a customer, or anything really. People can be overly opinionated about benign things, which is fine, but just don’t impose them on other people like that lady did to you! Good for you for staying silent, but I think I would’ve had to speak up. Stuff like that gets under my skin! It’s one thing if you’re making a cultural faux pas but in the privacy of your car, I think it’s fine to eat a bar of chocolate. People are nuts! “Challenging” is a very nice way of putting it.
I think stuff like that used to bother me more my first couple of years here and now I put that in the annoying category. Maybe I need to write a part two of annoying things lol!
I think at first it was not being able to express myself that well in English. A problem with a store or at work? Yeah, I’m never going to get my way because it’s hard to get the message across in a language you don’t fully master. An argument at home? I always ended up crying, mostly out of frustration.
Now, fifteen years later, it’s probably feeling lonely. Not as in “I have no friends” but as in “I’m the minority”. There are different aspects of Canadian cultures I never adopted and probably won’t adopt but I’m the minority and I can’t change… well, Canada, I guess. So I understand how you feel with France (and I’m certainly not offended as a French!!).
Hello! From outside appearances, I’m sure people around you think you’ve 100% adapted in every way but it’s interesting how we view our own situations, even after 15 years. I understand the feeling of loneliness, even if we have people around us, and appreciate your candor. You always have a friend in me. 😉
I so appreciate your honesty and transparency. You’re so right, too, that life abroad isn’t always perfect and it can be difficult. Making friends as an adult is so difficult but add in a language barrier and it’s even more difficult. Thank you for putting this out there and know you’re not alone!
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment! Hope pregnancy is treating you well 🙂
99.9% of what you’ve written about so eloquently applies to being an expat almost anyplace. France is the third country I’ve lived in, and I’ve felt all the things you listed, especially in the first decade in France, but also when I was in Kenya and Belgium.
Yup, I think after the first couple of years here, all the French annoyances (or superficial stuff about any country) become normal and aren’t the most difficult parts anymore. Thanks for reading and commenting, as always!
I really love your commitment to wanting to learn and master the language (including the accent). My husband and I always talk about whether or not we would learn another language if we moved abroad. My answer is always the same, I would hope to but I’m terrible at languages. When I studied abroad, I felt like you – damn, I should know more of this and be able to speak better. It wasn’t until I went back several years later that I realized how much of the language I actually had picked up. I also remember how far away I felt from everyone during life events and how I wanted to feel closer, so I can imagine that you definitely feel that after several years away! I admire how you have worked to integrate yourself into this “strange” new world though. Too often I feel like expats become very comfortable on the fringes and don’t try to immerse themselves so shout out to you!
Hi Sara, thanks for reading! I think mastering the language will be a life-long quest!
But sometimes we surprise ourselves, so if you move abroad I’m sure the language will come to you little by little.
Strangely enough, the distance between me and friends/family isn’t a big deal for me. I use Facetime daily and we do our best to head back to the US once a year, so I don’t feel disconnected from loved ones.
Appreciate your kind words. 😉
I resonated most with Social exchanges and life problems. I’ve gone through a couple of really, really hard things over the past few years and I’ve found it difficult to talk about with French people, whom sometimes just can’t understand due to cultural differences, language barriers, etc. In regards to social exchanges, I was having a hard time making French friends- although thanks to my roommate had an opportunity to get on well with his friends. I had to realize that I’m not going to mesh with everyone and that is okay. I’ve just sort of become more comfortable in my skin in France over the years. Also, constantly defending your country is exhausting. Thanks Diane 🙂
Yes, life problems are incredibly hard to deal with in general, so being abroad amplifies them to the max. I’m sorry you can relate to that point as well.
Thx for reading!
So it’s bad form to talk about your vacation? What about if it’s a nice day? Can you say il fait beau or is that also considered intrusive? I’m fed up with hearing about the french and their stupid, nonsensical rules of conversation. Is there anything you can discuss? How about ” mon chien a fait des grandes merdes sur le trottoir ”
a common enough occurrence so perhaps that would be acceptable.
Madame, si j’etais vous, je quitterais ” La belle france ” et tout de suite.
John, I think you might’ve misinterpreted what I said about social differences. It’s not bad form to talk about your vacation at all, but you might not get the same response as you would if you were talking to a bunch of Americans. There are just social boundaries and until you kind of pass over an invisible line, certain topics are not really the norm. That’s not to say no French people engage in smalltalk but it was something that I had to adjust to overall. Of course none of this is a reason to leave France!! Just cultural differences to be aware of. 🙂
Thank you so much for this, Diane. I started reading your blog a year ago when we learned we would be moving to France for work. We just arrived from California two days ago in the midst of this terrible heat wave, and the combination of sleep deprivation, jet lag, and extreme heat has been really hard on our thirteen-year-old son. We tried to lift his spirits today by going to a movie, which we thought would be air-conditioned, but it wasn’t.. It’s only day three and he wants to go home, and I feel guilty for bringing him to a city where he knows no one and doesn’t speak the language . Learning to take the crowded, noisy metro to school every day will also be a big adjustment for him.
The issues you raise here about socializing are ones we haven’t even considered yet, so it’s good to know whatvto expect. Fortunately, he’ll be going to a school with a large English-speaking student body, I think he’ll make friends quickly and that will make his life here happier. And we will know some fellow Bay Area people through my husband’s job, so ai think that will help.
Now, if we can just get past this heat wave! It’s scary not having a GP or pediatrician and not knowing where to go in case of emergency, but I know we’ll figure all of these things out in time. All of that said, I love the way Paris looks, the amazing richness of culture. I’m not a city person (though I’ve lived in NYC, Miami, and Atlanta, the only city I ever really loved iving in was San Francisco). I know Paris will be difficult, but I’m also happy to have the opportunity to switch thibgs up from our comfortable, quiet, nature-focused life in NorCal and experience something new. Thank you so much for your honesty and good will on this blog! It is always such a pleasure to read.
You’re so welcome, Michelle, and thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me!
First, welcome to France! The early days aren’t easy and mix in crazy heat and it’s even more difficult. I am sorry to hear that your son is miserable, but I hope he meets fun people at school this fall and you all find your groove. I know how overwhelming everything can feel, so just hang in there and always feel free to write!
Hi Diane, this is a good compilation of issues that most expats will encounter in their journey to learn, adapt and eventually belong to a new country. My perspective is kind of the mirror image of yours, as I am an expat in US.
In my experience, nr.1 is the easiest to get past as making one’s life comfortable is largely achievable. When I moved to US about 20 years ago, I was amazed at how developed the services were, practically making one’s life very easy. However, let’s not forget that most of these services are to be paid for. I also found that the large availability of goods and services produces a change in people’s behaviors and those are not always positive.
2. Social connections is a good one, as I wasn’t familiar with the small talk that is so widely spread in US. To be honest, I was thinking why these people feel the need to always talk topics that have no connection with them. Many times one could tell that they had no interest in finding out meaningful things about me, but rather they were following a script learned at one of their job training. I am more the kind of person who I believe that when someone wants to tell me something, they will do it without being necessary to ask them questions. To this day, I keep my small talk to the minimum because I don’t see it necessary. I also learned that making friends sometimes is a long process of selection and meanwhile, I am content with my old ones and just myself.
3. Language/ accent At some point I got tired of being asked where am I from everytime I’d open my mouth, so I went on looking for a way to loose my accent. I found a speech therapist specialized in accent reduction who asked me $7000 to reduce/ eliminate my accent. I didn’t have the money, nor did I ever wanted to pay that amount of money. So I learned to embrace my accent and accept that is part of me.
4. This is indeed the hardest one. Being hit with a serious disease when complicated terminology, scheme of treatment and understanding consequences of both treatment and lifestyle changes while struggling with language barrier adds so much stress to an already stressful situation. Usually, an expat would master everyday conversations but it takes a deliberate effort to become familiar with vocabulary used outside of the daily life.
Thank you for breaking down these very important aspects of an expat life.
Niculina
I stumbled across your blog while browsing Pinterest and I am so glad I did! I love how honest and candid you write about your experiences! There is a very good chance that my husband will be offered a 3 year contract working in Lyon. (And quite honestly, I’ll be pretty disappointed if he isn’t!) I have visited France three times in my lifetime and my husband has been at least half a dozen but the idea of moving our life there (with two elementary aged daughters) is exciting and overwhelming. I literally get heart palpitations when I think about it…. partly because it will be so much work but also because I’m worried it may not happen!! AH! Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying your blog. Thank you!!