Pandemic aside, this past year has been the most difficult of my entire life. This summer, I spent a month and a half in the U.S. with my family because two of my relatives had terminal cancer and I hadn’t seen them since November 2019. One passed away a week after I left last time and my mom just passed away October 4, 2021. Luckily I got to say goodbye, but I’d be lying to you if I said I was doing well. This is not a doom and gloom post, though. I’m not going there.
Grief healing: One week since my mom died
It’s barely been a week since my mom died and I’d like to share a few things with you about my mom and also a few small things that have brought me comfort during what is without a doubt the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced.
Ahh, so where to begin. I’m going to write what I’m feeling right now and go light on the edit because I don’t think I can bring myself to re-read this post. Let’s go.
First, my mom was an amazing mom. Full stop. I’m not just saying that because that’s what you say when loved ones die. Our relationship has gotten stronger believe it or not since I moved to France. My parents retired early and I’ve called them nearly every single day for the past few years when I’d walk Dagny in the afternoon. Now I’ll just be calling my dad…
My parents are everything to me, and while it brings me peace to know my mom is no longer suffering, the permanence of it all is what I am struggling with. No more text messages. No more memories together. Our story together stops here.
I’ll save the hardest parts for another day if I’m strong enough to ever write about them.
Right now my head is somewhere else. I am not present. My dad and I have been so absentminded and doing silly things, which isn’t like us at all. My dad put his shorts on backwards. We drove right past the funeral home knowing exactly where it was. I lost my phone and it was ticked into my sports bra the whole time. Stuff like that. Thank goodness my head is attached to my body because if not, I’m sure I would have left it somewhere.
People say time lessens grief and I hope that is true. Giving things time has helped in other areas of my life when there’s been conflict and pain. I tend to feel it all… as an HSP. But I’m so scared of feeling less close to my mom as time goes on and memories fade. I’m scared that as friends and family move on, I’ll be paralyzed by grief and stuck here. Replaying the last few days over and over in my mind on loop until those memories fade.
My anticipatory grief started months ago and I told myself then with the support of Tom, my family and friends that to get through this, I’d have to train myself to focus on gratitude — definitely not my default and something I’ve had to work at over the years which is coming in handy now.
I am so incredibly grateful that I had such a loving mom who I had a great relationship with above all. I’m so grateful I got to spend quality time with my parents over the summer. I’m so lucky I got to say goodbye and that I have a job that allowed me to be here. Again.
I’m focusing on gratitude because if I let myself wander over to the dark side, I’m afraid I won’t make it out. If I dwell on the fact (I’m very good at dwelling on things) that my mom wasn’t even elderly and didn’t get to live a long life, and that cancer robbed her of growing old with my dad… That I lost my mom in my 30s… That my life will never be on the same…
If all of that overtakes me and becomes the focus of my grief, I don’t know if that’s a hole I’d ever be able to climb out of, not to mention that my mom wouldn’t want me in that hole. So I’m using every ounce of energy I have left to focus on the good and my appreciation for what I have.
A family picture in Corsica in better times.
Ninety-nine of you reading have never met my mom, so what was she like? Well, her name was Chris and she was so strong and the most giving and patient person I’ve ever known.
When I was 12 I think it was, after a full day of work, my mom took a bunch of friends and me to a Tori Amos concert and she actually fell asleep in the middle of the super loud concert. That’s how tired she was from work but she made the concert a priority. My point is, my mom always put my brother and me first.
She was never too busy. Never too tired. Never quick to anger.
As Tom put it, my mom was the most caring, moderate, diplomatic person he’s ever met. She was never too reactive, never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and always saw the good in people. Until the very end, my mom was positive and had faith. It was incredible really and 100% authentically her. It made the end almost bearable. Attitude is everything. She never gave up and it’s a lesson to live by.
Unusually bright star under a beautiful moon against a purple sky. No filter and taken with a Samsung phone. I have to believe my mom is up there somewhere watching over us.
Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll be able to share more about my mom or this grief journey on the blog or anywhere. I’m taking it day by day for now, so please be patient with me if you’ve sent me an email or commented on YouTube or anywhere. Everything is so overwhelming and I’m doing the best I can.
I have content scheduled on YouTube since I work a month in advance, so there won’t be any break there, but I’ll be slow to getting around to the comments. If I see something negative and rude over there, I know it’ll break me right now and I’m already nearly broken. Maybe I’ll take a little break in a few weeks and take some time away with Tom and Dagny but I just don’t know. Right now it feels good to be writing in this space and sharing this with all of you.
I know it’s only been a week, but there have been a few things that have really lifted me up when I didn’t think it was possible. If you’re going through your own grief right now, I hope something here might bring you a little bit of comfort and healing:
Taking it one day at a time. I’m prone to becoming overwhelmed in general so right now, all I can manage is to keep my focus on the day ahead. Or at least the hour or the task at hand. Looking beyond the day is unbearable. Even typing this, I feel my heart squeezing and beating so hard. Knowing I will never see my mom again is too much to process and although I know she’s gone, I can’t look past today.
A memory journal. Little by little I’m creating a memory journal where I list as many memories of my mom as possible from each period of my life. No matter how big or small, I want a written record in physical form that I can look back at when I want to feel close to my mom and smile. As I recall a memory, I add it to that section of the notebook. Something I’m scared of that I touched on above is forgetting memories as time goes on and losing some of my mom in a sense. A memory journal should help keep the memories alive.
Hearing from the Oui In France community. Reading people’s kind words has meant everything to me. Just knowing there are people out there who care has lifted me up a little bit, so thank you for that if you saw my community post on YouTube or my Insta stories or newsletter. You guys have been great. I appreciate every word even if I am not able to reply.
The cremation diamond process. The night before my mom died, I knew I wanted to honor her with a piece of cremation jewelry that I could wear every day to feel close to her. I came across a company called Eterneva that specializes in creating a unique diamond made from your loved one’s ashes or hair (pets too).
Within a minute of browsing their website, I knew I wanted to create a diamond in this personalized, meaningful way. It’ll be made into a piece of jewelry that I will wear with me always to keep my mom close. Knowing I’d be doing this gave me a little bit of comfort in the moment and will continue to do so along the way. It’s a 7-10 month process and I plan to share more about turning my mom’s ashes into a diamond at a later date, so let me know if you’d like to hear more.
Staying busy. A couple of days before my mom passed away up until now, I’ve had family around and it was a nice distraction and a way to connect. Now it’s just my dad and me. It was a blessing to have had people around us in the immediate aftermath even if it was a bit chaotic and sad at times. We shared memories of my mom and just had others to talk to who understood.
Sticking to my routine. I’m a creature of habit and my routine makes me feel comforted and in control. With so much uncertainty and so many things out of our control, being in control of what I eat, when I wake up and go to bed, and what I do makes me feel a little more calm. I’ve done my best to eat, sleep and exercise. I’ve stuck to my skincare routine with my favorite device.
My Peloton game is still going strong (and what I need to keep going) although I’ve been listening to my body and doing shorter, easier workouts. My dad even got a bike a couple of weeks before my mom passed away. She was a huge fan of my dad starting a fitness routine at age 68 for the first time in his life. She was so proud of him and so am I. Follow him on the leaderboard. He’s CaptainWinky.
Having people in my life who are willing to just listen. Not fix. Not give advice. Not make it about them and their own experience with grief. The people in my life who are there and able to just listen, not looking for anything in return, have been amazing.
A beautifully framed picture. My friend Carolina who I’ve known since middle school is an amazing photographer. A couple of months ago, she did a virtual photo shoot with my parents and the image above is one of my favorites. As a gift to my dad, brother and myself, I asked Carolina to mat and frame the photo like she would for wedding-quality prints and it turned out gorgeous. It symbolizes my parents’ love for each other. Their 46th wedding anniversary would have been this year.
Having an outlet. Right now in addition to the memory journal, I think it’s important for me to keep a private grief journal and also feel what I’m feeling. Part of that is sharing what I’m comfortable with on my blog so that’s what I’m doing. My mom was a huge supporter of Oui In France and she’d be happy that I’m using this space to help process and share my feelings.
I wanted to keep you in the loop since many of you have followed me for years. Even before hitting publish here, I’ve taken some comfort in sharing a bit about my mom with you.
***
What’s not helpful? Right now, looking at pictures beyond one or two is unbearable. It’s also so hard to think clearly and think about the future. I’m scared that now people have moved on with their lives and my dad, brother and me will be stuck here in this weird place.
One lesson I’ve learned in the past week is to be even more mindful of what I say to people who have just lost someone. I know what has felt good on the receiving end and what has made me even more sad or upset. Anyway, maybe I’ll do another post on that. Stopping her for now.
I love all of you so much and I really appreciate your support and understanding more than ever right now.
If you’ve lost someone, my heart goes out to you. I found the comments on this post about grief over at Cup of Jo really comforting.
P.S. If you emailed me by hitting reply on my newsletter at some point in the past 6 or so months and never got a reply, I’m so sorry. When I switched servers a little while ago, my email autoresponder for my unmonitored inbox that my newsletter comes from didn’t automatically transfer over. So I realized yesterday (terrible timing to find hundreds of emails that need replies) that your emails have been sitting in a black hole. : :: FACEPALM :: : The autoresponder is back on so people know it’s an unmonitored inbox, but please save ouiinfrance at gmail dot com if you ever want to get in touch.
Continuing to lift you and your family in my prayers.
Heart felt sympathy to you and your father. I am so sorry. This kind of pain is unimaginable to those who have not lost a mother, it’s a cut into your heart, your mind, your soul, your every waking moment when you realize it’s not waking from a bad dream but reality. Be very gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. Take care of your dad. Treasure all the memories.
Diane, here’s a big hug from me to you.
.Don’t be afraid of the memories fading. Your memory book is a superb way to visualise them in words, and your brain-memory will bring others to mind at times when you need them, or just want to remember.
So here’s another hug and a big thankyou for a very special person, unafraid to share with us how you are, right now. and who helped me when I really needed it ( through the first years of my life here in France). .
I am glad you are trying to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, rest, that is your chief job. I remember feeling that empty feeling.. Over time I was surprised at how close my parents seemed.. I am a realistic person but the oddest coincidences would occur. And I would feel a sense of peace and closeness. Just wait and see. If there is a heaven it is a place of infinite love.
My sincerest sympathies, as to the loss of your mother. I know how it is dealing with one who has cancer, especially if they’re your parents. Take care of yourself and remember, you have support of many friends through your publication. Our prayers are with you always. Regards Ed. Squire.
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been such a tough year for you and your family. I love the idea of your journals. I will have to try that. Take care of yourself. Much love from Gensac. ❤️
I’m very sorry everything hurts so much right now. Unfortunately grief is a process and you have to ride through it. It’s a bit different for everyone and not at all easy. While you’re keeping her near to you with memories, she is also somewhere keeping you all close to her as well. The time and distance changed but the love didn’t. She’s still there loving you just as much as she always did.
Take care of yourself and your dad. I pray your hearts feel less heavy each day.
I am so very sorry
Heartfelt condolences to you and your family Diane. I have been thinking of you since you posted of your Mothers passing. I read the post while in France (first visit since the pandemic) and I want to let you know that your vlog was most helpful as we rented a car this trip and used your advice on driving in France, especially how to navigate “circles”.
You keep doing what feels right for you during this challenging time. I will keep sending you virtual hugs.
Focus on the immediate is a very good way to continue to function, at least minimally, through this sort of trauma. Sometimes as immediate as which foot goes forward next.
You will find a way to process and live with this loss.
You and Tom have my sympathy.
I, too, lost my mom to cancer when I was 28 years old. You will be ok—it just takes time. A long time……but it will be ok. ❤️
Enveloping you in a big virtual hug. xxxooo
Please receive my sincere condolences, I am truly sorry for losing your mom! The kind people you’re surrounded by and the great community you have created around your labor of love-Oui in France- will help you start the healing process. You can count on us! Take as much time as you need, to grieve. Sending you a big virtual .
A big virtual hug
Diane,
You have uplifted all of us with your blog and videos in so many ways. Now it is time for you to receive a blessing from others, so never feel guilty or bad about your grief process. We grieve because the loss of someone we love is like losing part of ourselves, and the process is different for everyone.
Know that your Oui in France Community cares and sends you love and comfort.
Paula
Having lost my Mum on the 12th April, I can feel yout pain
Sending so much love your way, Diane. It sounds like you had a very close and special relationship with your mother, and I’m sure she appreciated your calls and the time you spent with her this summer. I hope you and your family are able to find some peace over time, and I know your mom will live on in the memories you made together and the lessons/qualities you learned from her.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, Diane. What an amazing mother! I bet she would be so proud of you and your dad. I like the idea of a memory journal, and I hope one day you’ll be able to reread it and look at some photos and smile. Take care.
It gets better, just not yet. Time does heal and time does not steal away memories or the closeness you felt. Those things will always be with you. At some point in time, you will see something or smell something or hear something that will remind you of something that you shared with your mom. Instead of grief, you will feel a warm sense of connection. Love doesn’t leave when a person’s body is no longer with us. Hearts, minds and spirits live on. I hope you and your dad can find comfort. Thinking of you.
I am saddened to hear of your loss. My Mom passed last year. Just take it one day at a time.
Dear Diane, sending you love. Your Mom is not here physically but she’s with you and will always be so. She is here in the love and joy you share with us. Im so sorry . I know its a very painful time so be kind to your self. Love Margaret
Many hugs from me too
Dear Diane, So very sorry to read of your loss. Take it one day at a time, just as you are. The memory journal is a wonderful idea. Sending you love and peace.
A daughter losing her mom is the hardest thing. May her memory be for a blessing.
I am so sorry for your loss. I still greatly miss my Mom after nearly 15 years. At least I no longer pick up the phone every day to call her. While you are making your memory book, I would like to suggest asking people for pictures (and/or stories) of her. My favorite picture came from one of my brothers when they went sailing in Greece. It was one of the most joyful expressions I ever saw on her face while she was at that great big wheel. Especially ask people who knew her as a child/teenager or friends she had that are still around. You never know what you might find out that you didn’t know about her.
Dear Diane,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom Chris.
She sounds like an amazing person & wonderful mom who must have been so proud of you. May her memory be for a blessing.
Michelle
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother. I lost my mother when I was 39, and yes, the pain does lessen, but I think about her every single day. Sometimes I cry, but I know she is always with me, as I am sure your mother will always be with you. I pray that God gives you and your family peace and comfort.
Dear Diane
My heartfelt condolences and my heart goes out to you. This is tough and time does heal but first you have to feel the grieving process which is different for everyone. There isn’t a prescribed process. Your way is the right one for you. My mother passed away many years ago and I still miss her everyday. But we talk everyday .I tell her what’s going on in my life and I ask her questions. I don’t get answers but she listens. I have a photo of her in my purse and in a locket which I wear all the time. It is comforting . Your shared beautiful memories will help you and your Dad through your grief especially when you recall some happy funny moments.
All your ideas of keeping journals and self care will definitely help. But if there are days when you think it’s too much then give yourself permission to not do anything. Life is precious. Take care. Kameela
I am so sorry for your loss, Diane <3 Hope you're taking it easy and taking care of yourself. Sending love.
I’m thinking of you and your family and sending virtual hugs. Just to reassure you, from experience I think it not only common to remember special times with a loved one but as time goes on you remember more things. The memory book is a great idea and I love someone else’s mention of including special pictures. It takes a lot of time to process the death of a parent. I know you will continue to love her through your memories and know she is somewhere else loving you still.
Your Mom sounds like such a nurturer, a true touchstone for you. I am so sorry. I love the photo taken by your friend. It captures their enjoyment of each other. I lost my Dad this week and I’m right there with you. I was born on his birthday. Again, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom.
Diane, My thoughts and heart are with you and your family during this difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss.
Hello Diane, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Sending you a big (virtual) hug.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult and painful experiences in our lives. I lost my own mom just after Christmas, 2018 while I was visiting my son in France. The pain has become bearable but I still miss her terribly. I lost a sister unexpectedly six months ago. I still can’t look at photos and I feel that I’m stuck in my grief. I’m afraid that if I just let it all out, it won’t stop. There are moments when I feel her presence and I am comforted by that. My dad died in 2006 and I miss him as well, but the grief has dulled and I’m able to think about him and mom without breaking down. I want to tell you about a gift that my son gave me after my mom died. It’s a silver bracelet made from my mother’s handwriting. He found a card that she had sent me which was signed « I love you so very much. » and it was used to make the bracelet. It’s such sweet gift and I will treasure it always. I’m sending you good wishes and positive thoughts as you journey through your grief. You will never forget your precious mom, and you will eventually be comforted by memories of her.
I’m so sorry for your loss! It does get better over time, but never leaves completely – we just have to learn to adjust and adapt their loss into our lives. The memories do not go away and you will find over time that you will remember some that you have not thought of in many years! Keep hanging in there and I will keep praying for you and your family!
Diane I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. She sounds like an incredible lady and I hope that you and those who knew her are able to carry the precious moments of her life with you. It is a heavy burden to honor the memory of someone who meant so much to you. Thinking of you and your family as you navigate this next chapter and wishing you peace and comfort in the support system you have built <3
I’m so sorry, Diane. I wish you peace and comfort.
Diane, holding you in my heart as you go through this very challenging season. I’m glad you’ve already found ways to process the parts of this that you want to hold on to. I feel like the journal is particularly helpful in writing those things down and dealing with the part of your brain that is going to miss those future moments with your mom. The tribute to your mom as a parent is lovely, and Tom’s description of her made me tear up. Here if you need to talk about any of it. <3
Hi Diane. I hope you and your family are coping well during this worst time imaginable. There is no way to prepare for the loss of a family member, and I will be sure to keep you guys in my prayers. I look forward to seeing your journey through eterneva.
I am so sorry for your loss, Diane. Grief knows no timeline. Take all the time that you need.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Ellen
I’m so sorry to hear about your precious mom. Your post is a great tribute to her, and made me feel many emotions. It seems like you are doing all the right things to comfort yourself. I don’t really know you, but I’ve come to care about you through your blog. Praying for you and your family. Big hug from Michigan.
What a painful post to have to write. Your mom sounds like she was unique and wonderful, and I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Take good care and all the time you need.
I’m not sure if grief lessens in time or the weight of it does. I can still access the pain from the loss of my father many years later. Also, a good friend told me the heart is not attached to grief b/c it knows the love still lives on—it’s the ego that can’t let go of the attachment.
Diane, I just read your post and cried those big gulp tears. I too lost my Mom this year, May 31st, and the pain is still raw. I sincerely appreciate you sharing what gets you through the day; I’ve learned from you. No words can ever help, but having little rituals can help sustain you. I would like to share something that helps me every day. I now see Mom reflected in everything beautiful. Simple everyday beautiful things now catch my eye. I take the time to savor whatever it is and I talk with Mom. Sometimes I hear what she would say about it, sometimes something random from her pops into my head, and sometimes we both just look. Taking time to see her and talk with her, if only in my head, has helped me. I hope it helps you too.
Dear Diane, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Your Mother sounds Like she was an extraordinary person. I love the idea of a memory journal, It’s a beautiful way to document those special moments. <3
Take Care.
Sincerely, Nathalie
Dear Diane,
Having lost my first wife after 20 years of marriage, I know something about grief. I feel yours.
You don’t want advice, but I’m giving some anyway. Don’t make any big decisions for a while. If it can possibly wait, let it.
Love, Robert
You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother. Losing you parent/parents is so painful. It still hurts everyday. Recording in your journal keeps her alive for you. You will smile at some and grieve like crazy in some of your writing. That’s ok. It is my prayer that God will fill you with His peace and comfort as you go through this most difficult time. Sending you a hug. Take all the time you need. You never heal, you just keep moving. Know that others do really care.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like a true light — thank you for sharing her with us. I have no easy words, no platitudes, but I will say this — I too suffered a terrible loss this year, and one thing has helped more than anything else, by a mile: Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK That You’re Not Okay. I’m a voracious reader and super introvert, so after my loss, I turned to books. I read SO many on grief, and this book is light years ahead of all others. It’s truly like no other book on the topic. I cannot recommend it highly enough — it’s the only thing that has even touched my pain. Her IG account @refugeingrief is definitely worth a follow too if the thought of a book feels too daunting at the moment. Thinking of you.
My sincere condolences. Your Mom was a beautiful person and she raised a good, kind daughter. One day your pain will be softened by the wonderful memories that are her legacy. I promise.
I lost my mother a few years ago, but there is not a day that goes by I don’t hear her voice or see her face. The memories of her are the best ones I have, and I take great pleasure and comfort when they happen. Your mother’s passing is really close and painful now, but soon her memories will be a faithful friend. You’ll remember all the great things she taught you, the places you went together, the things you did with her. I wish this for you. Take care, because she would want you to be well and never forget the love she gave you, and still does.
All the best,
Donald
Dear Diane, So sorry to hear of your loss. I was so moved to hear your words this morning. Sending you a big virtual hug from me X
Thank you for writing this and for the memory journal idea. I found this post looking for anything that might help.
I just lost my mother yesterday October 4th. I’m her only child and we were extremely close. My dad is still alive and I have lots of aunts and uncles to grieve with at least. She was suffering and couldn’t do it anymore. I keep trying to be positive, knowing she was sedated while she passed, that I got to see her the night before with the last thing I told her being, “I love you”. I’m thankful she was my mother. She saved me more than once and has always been my rock. The most selfless person I’ve ever known.