In a perfect world, we’d move to France, study French a little bit, magically just “pick up” the language by being immersed in it, and then speak perfect French two weeks later just like a native. Yeahhhhhhhhhh no. Sorry, it doesn’t work like that! Language learning is a journey and it’s not a linear one. You’ll have good days and a bunch of bad ones along the way and it’s all normal. But what about people who forgo the process entirely? I’m talking about people who move to France and never learn the language beyond a very basic level. Let’s talk about it.
8 Reasons why people move to France and don’t learn French
Growing up in New Jersey, I knew people growing up whose parents or grandparents were not born in the U.S. but moved stateside years prior and spoke very little, if any, English. One co-worker’s parents were from Cuba and because they moved to a Cuban neighborhood in Miami, they lived their lives entirely in Spanish. Maybe you have people in your life that fall into this category too.
I recently heard another example of this via bilingual comedian Tatty Macleod’s Instagram. She was born to a British mom and grew up in France. Despite the fact that her mom has been living in Brittany for 30 years, Tatty explained in a recent reel that her mom doesn’t speak French. The comedian spoke out defending her mom after receiving some critical comments (as you do) regarding her lack of French language ability.
And Tatty’s mom is far from the only foreigner who moved to France and doesn’t speak French.
I want to say upfront that I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices and abilities and wouldn’t want anyone to judge mine. Whether you learn a foreign language (or not), and to what level, is entirely your prerogative.
I know our life experiences, as well as our wants and needs, are not the same and there are very valid reasons why someone might move abroad and not learn the language. We all need to live our own lives, do what’s best for ourselves, and be less concerned with what other people do.
For the record, at times I’ve absolutely fallen into some of the ways of thinking I mention below. I think it’s human to feel this way sometimes… when starting anything new. What I talk about below doesn’t exclusively apply to learning languages in all cases and definitely not just the French language.
Personally speaking, I made a choice to learn French and I’ve had a much richer experience in France because of it. I suspect that many of you out there who also learned French would say that your life is also richer because of it. My independence is important to me, so I made it a priority to learn fluent French. It hasn’t been easy, not by a long shot, but for me, it’s been worth it.
Do I speak perfect French? Absolutely not. And I regress when I’m nervous! Could I have been more diligent along the way? Oh yes. Would I speak better if I had studied French in college? Definitely, but we never know where life will take us. Do I still have a lot to learn? Always.
All that aside, I’ve managed to be self-reliant, can communicate my wants and needs, and interact with the world around me. I am proud of how far I’ve come.
Speaking fluent French has been an asset, especially because I don’t live in a huge city with loads of English speakers. Speaking French is a necessity in my day-to-day life so I’m glad I’ve put in the time and will continue to do so.
That said, I fully acknowledge that some people do not learn the language beyond the basics for whatever reason and go on to live perfectly happy lives in France. We are all different.
Before I get into my list, I want to mention four things:
1. In this post, I’m talking about people who move to a country and make a life there, not people just passing through. I don’t think it’s necessary (or practical!) for tourists or people coming to France for a short stay to learn much French beyond the basics. Learning a few key words in French goes a long way. It’ll also make any interactions with the French better because it shows you’ve done the bare minimum and are making an effort. Whatever you do, don’t forget that obligatory bonjour.
2. Being able to “speak French” means different things to different people. Some people who are confidently conversational say they speak French and others who are completely bilingual would also say they speak French. Only you know what level of French is enough for your life. I’d argue that to truly integrate, shoot for a solid intermediate level of French as a minimum, a level where you can understand and participate in the world around you.
3. One’s accent doesn’t directly correlate to their level of French. You can speak with a minimal accent yet have a very low level of French. On the flip side, you can have a very pronounced accent and be at a near-native level of French. An accent is NOT a defect. I’d wager that 99% of us who started learning French after age 15 will have an accent and it’s normal. Don’t get hung up on that.
4. If you’re actually moving to France, make comprehension your focus. You’ll thank me later and I wish someone had made that recommendation to me. DOH!
Now for my list of reasons why someone might move to France and not learn French (beyond the very basics):
1. Because it’s HARD & SCARY
Yes, it IS hard. I won’t sugarcoat it. Throwing yourself into language learning isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s all fun and games when you take language lessons once a week for fun in your home country in the comfort of a friendly classroom, but when you need to learn a language out of necessity, it can be even more challenging and mess with your sense of self.
One really common thing that happens is that you become easily overwhelmed, especially in do-or-die situations where you have to make yourself understood and are struggling. Or when the whole bakery is hearing you fumble your way through ordering. I’ve taken breaks from learning when overwhelm has gotten the best of me over over the years.
If you identify with this point, you feel like it’s an uphill battle and there’s always more to learn. You get tired of never understanding and feeling worn out. You never feel like you’re making progress, so you give up and learn to get by at your current level. You’re also scared of feeling dumb and looking stupid to others.
2. You don’t feel like yourself or very self-assured
Maybe you’re someone who normally feels in control and you enjoy that. You pride yourself on being on top of things not only in your home life but in your professional life and in your community. Throughout your entire life, people have known you as someone who has it all together. You’re someone who is quick, on the ball, and gets things done.
But that all went out the window when you tried to learn French. You’re like a fish out of water. This is new for you and you don’t like yourself in French. You definitely don’t feel like yourself, are always self-conscious, and maybe are doubting your move abroad.
Every time you speak French, it feels foreign and you don’t feel confident. You don’t know what other people are saying to you (or behind your back). It all makes you feel deeply unsettled. You’ve decided you’re more comfortable in English and are not going to learn French at all. It’s SO uncomfortable that you’d rather avoid French entirely because the process is messing with your very secure sense of self.
Maybe you even double down and seek out even more English-speaking friends and activities.
When people only know you in a foreign language >>
3. Your ego takes a hit
This one goes hand in hand with what I just said above. Our egos can be fragile and if we’re a Type A person who is maybe well educated, successful, and social in our home country, it’s a major blow to the ego to be knocked down a few notches in France.
You can easily slip into feeling “less than” and like you don’t belong or even matter. Stumbling around in French isn’t comfortable and it’s cute to make mistakes as a 16-year-old exchange student but less so as a full-grown adult…. especially one who was well respected at home!
Because of this, you have zero motivation.
And you convince yourself that where you are is fine…. even though that Type A personality hates that you aren’t pushing yourself to be better.
4. You’ve tried and “failed” too many times
You’re worn down and sad. Maybe you just can’t bring yourself to get back on the horse, so to speak. You feel like you’ve fallen off so many times that you’ve reached a point where you think, “What’s the point?”
You’ve embarrassed yourself one too many times. You’re ashamed and you’ve internalized that shame. I also know of people who experienced childhood trauma where they were shamed and language learning stirs up all of those old feelings. Whatever the reason, you don’t feel you’re cut out for this and have convinced yourself it’s a YOU problem.
But honestly, you haven’t failed if you haven’t given up. That’s why I put “failed” in quotes. If you’re still trying, you haven’t failed. If people are rude to you or have mocked you, that’s THEIR ignorance and you haven’t done anything wrong.
P.S. There were some comments from foreigners on Tatty’s post that said the French have been rude to them for attempting to speak French. They were ridiculed for opening their mouth in “less than perfect” French.
Most French people are happy to encounter someone speaking their language (or atleast trying) and will not treat you poorly because you aren’t perfect. Anyone with half a brain cell will acknowledge your effort and not be nasty about it.
But I know there are nasty people out there, so if anyone has made you feel this way, it’s them projecting their own shortcomings onto you and NOT a YOU problem. Keep doing you. Keep trying. I know how defeating it can feel, but I assure you, the vast majority of French people do not act this way toward foreigners speaking French.
5. You’ve convinced yourself you’re too busy/too old/too tired/not good at languages/etc.
If you truly want to learn French, they’re all excuses! You might be able to achieve a perfectly bilingual level but you can definitely improve on wherever you are.
The stories we tell ourselves can be so damaging. If you tell yourself this sort of thing enough, watch out because you’re going to start believing it. Once we’ve internalized this negative self-talk, we trick ourselves into thinking it’s the reality. Once you’re that stuck in your beliefs, it’s nearly impossible to move forward. Be careful with the things you tell yourself.
Sure, learning French at age 70 is more difficult than at age 3, but you can still make progress — whatever that looks like to you. Maybe it’s learning a few new vocab words per week. Take it at your own pace. Don’t keep telling yourself lies and don’t sell yourself short!
6. You don’t need French because your entire life is in English
Maybe you live in a big city where you can find enough English speakers to get by. Or you live in an area with a big expat community and all your friends, colleagues, and acquaintances are either from an English-speaking country or happen to speak English. You’ve carved out a life for yourself that doesn’t require you to speak French at all.
7. You rely on a French-speaking partner for everything
If you move to France for love, maybe your partner handles all the phone calls and conversations when you’re out. I think my first few months in France, I was pretty much mute in public aside from saying bonjour. I was scared to open my mouth and instead let Tom do all the talking. I wasn’t doing myself any favors.
I was also a little lazy with learning French because I knew Tom would swoop in to save the day if I needed him. Would I have been more serious about my learning if speaking French decently from Day 1 was a necessity? Probably.
Many foreigners who move to France let their French-speaking partner (or kids) handle everything and it’s a major reason why people don’t learn French.
8. People are in love with the idea of France and the French but aren’t willing to go deeper
Living a stereotypical French life like you see on Emily in Paris isn’t real life. It’s playing house and you certainly don’t need to learn French to play a game. But maybe going deeper is something to consider.
I get emails from people all the time telling me they are enamored with France and want to move here but don’t speak French and aren’t interested in learning it… and they want to know if they will be OK without speaking French. I always tell people that in some areas of France, you can get by with basic French or find people who speak enough English, but that they should start learning now!
Why would you want to move somewhere and be socially isolated? Maybe that’ll be a reality until you get up to speed, but do everything in your power to go beyond the surface or you’ll be holding yourself back.
If your goal is to truly understand France and the culture and make a life for yourself, you need to have a decent grasp of the language. Otherwise, you’ll always be on the outside looking in. Even if the view is pretty, if you can only admire it from afar, is it worth it? Not for me. I didn’t come to France for the view. You don’t realize you’ve been living life on the sidelines until you’ve been there the entire season.
So what can you do about it?
First, start where you are. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 80. Ignore people who say it’s impossible to learn a language as an adult. If you’re alive, you’re still capable of improving. Let the past go. Focus on where you’re going from today forward. Dwelling on your past mistakes and overthinking will only continue to hold you back and you deserve better.
If you truly want to learn French but have been sidetracked by one or several of my reasons above, don’t give up on yourself. It’s not pretty, but struggling through it all is part of the process. I’ve been there. Everyone has. You WILL make it to the other side. You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and when you make peace with that, you’ll feel lighter.
All the uncomfortable feelings will dissipate with time. Do they disappear entirely? Not exactly, but it gets better. I promise! Stick with it because you will make progress. It’s all about progress over perfection. Baby steps.
I KNOW IT IS SCARY AF and I’d argue that a lot of what might be holding you back (because it’s what held me back and still does some days) if you deep down DO want to be proficient in French is fear. FEAR. I said it.
We fear failure, judgment and critique, looking dumb, making a fool out of ourselves, embarrassing ourselves or someone else, the list goes on. So it’s easier to stay where we are. Most days I don’t care what people think but some days I do… even over a decade into this little dog and pony show. 😉 Your feelings are valid.
Here are some tips I have:
–Get real with yourself and figure out if you’re really fine with not speaking French. Are you truly bad at languages? Are you making excuses because you’re scared? Have you honestly put in the work?
–Make an investment in your learning. Whether that’s with a private teacher, a language school, etc., invest in yourself. You’re more likely to put in the work if you know it’s costing you. Then stay disciplined and keep showing up.
–Go the route that makes the most sense for your personality, goals, and available time. Maybe an intense 5-day/week class is too much for you. Or 2-hour lessons make you tune out. Do what works for you.
–One fun way to learn is via Lingopie. They’re kind of like a Netflix for language learning where you can watch shows/movies in French (or one of the other 8 languages they offer) with subtitles in both French and English if you’d like. Check them out here and take advantage of their free trial!
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To wrap this up, I’m not saying any of the above reasons are inherently right or wrong. I’m just sharing reasons that have held me back from learning French along the way as well as reasons I’ve heard from people I’ve met over the years.
For anyone out there who feels overwhelmed by French right now, hang in there. I know life is hard. I know you’re doing the best you can and let me tell you that it’s enough. You’re enough. When and if you want to learn and/or improve your French, it’ll be there ready to welcome you with open arms.
TELL ME: What reasons do you relate to or see the most? Are there any you’d add to my list of reasons why people move to France and don’t learn French?
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I find your post strange. These people don’t want to learn French? Very well, the community treats them for what they are: tourists. They do nothing to integrate, yes, but there is a saying: when in Rome, do as the Romans do. If I were to move, let’s be crazy in Texas, it goes without saying that I would have to put an American flag on the front of my property, buy myself an SUV, buy myself an armory and who knows, a gallows, go to a temple every Sunday, etc.
Bonjour Rémy, I think it’s important to adapt and integrate but that looks different for everyone, as does their timeline. What I find strange is when people judge others because of it or assume they’re just arrogant or stupid. And by the way, if I moved to Texas, I wouldn’t put a flag up, drive an SUV, own guns, or go to any religious institution. Not my style!
I moved to Quebec several years ago. My biggest struggle is people thinking I would be fluent by now if I just immersed myself. To be clear, at this point I speak, read and write in French every day but still struggle with certain subjects. I’m tired of being told to listen to French radio (I already do) or that so and so learned English by watching TV (for me it’s impossible to learn French by watching TV, I need a class) or I need to be less shy and “put myself out there (like I don’t do this every day). I have thought about giving up many times but I never had. I just wish people understood how hard it is to live in your second language. I’ve cried more over learning French than any other problem. Sometimes I think if I didn’t have to learn French my life would be easy. I love reading your blog because it makes me feel seen. There IS someone who gets it out there. Thank you
Hi Jenni! The fact that you said you feel seen in my content is the best compliment anyone could give me. Thank you.
I think people assuming we should be perfectly fluent in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, whatever have either never learned a language themselves as an adult or really lack the ability to think critically. There is SO much that plays into one’s level in a foreign language and it’s silly that people don’t realize this. I get that people don’t know what they don’t know but what gets me the most is when they’re rude/judgmental about it. All the points you mentioned are so legit. And YOU ARE GREAT. You are still trying and putting yourself out there and putting in the work. It’s all paying off. I’ve wanted to quit as well and if you need to take breaks, do it. But honestly, you’re doing great. Ignore the noise. Thank you again for your comment! xx
Hi Jenni! I’m from Toronto, moved to Montreal and plan to move to Paris and I feel you! I learned French as a kid, lost it and now relearning in my 30s and it’s NOT easy! So far I can do check out lines at grocery stores and order coffee decently at a cafe! But comprehension is harder for me, and I feel a fish out of water almost 3 years later! Don’t give up, Mon amie! ♥️
I took French in high school and college. That was many years ago. I’m now 7. I have been doing lessons daily on Duolingo now for over 3 years. because I want to learn it. I also watch several French teachers on YouTube. We want to move to France next year. We went for six weeks this spring, exploratory trip. I could not converse or understand, but got by because I could read a good bit…signs, menus, etc. My husband had no French and only eants to learn the basics to get by so he’s now watching one of the YouTube teachers. I know it’s harder because we are so old, but will keep trying as I won’t get any younger!!.
Hi Joi, I applaud you for putting in the work ahead of time. Lots of people don’t start until they get here, so you’re giving yourself a headstart. Definitely stick with it. Your hard work will only benefit you as time goes on. What you said about not getting younger is true. The time is going to pass regardless so we might as well make it work for us, right?
Hello Diane. How are you? You are such an excellent writer, clear, concise and convincing. My worst memories about learning French was in 1960-69 French class in college. My 3 years of high school French gave me a false sense of accomplishment (a’s and b’s). Reality hit hard while studying under aa native speaking French prof, Mdm Jacqueline. After a year of migraines and 4 credit d’s i said never again. But since 2003, Ive became enamored with France and French. So I enrolled in the local college for a year of French followed by a year at the alliance francaise d’ Annapolis.
I have found aside from learning the basics, for conversations, I use the present tense and the immediate past tense. This works well for me during my annual visits. At least I’m trying and can interact on trains, buses, cafes etc. As to French people making fun of me, that has NEVER happened in over thirty visits. In fact most people like trying their US English with me.
Please keep up your great work. Joe and Gigi.
Hi Joe, thank you so much, as always for your continued support. I’m so happy you enjoy my work. It’s SUCH a shock to experience real-life French when all we have to compare it to is classroom French. But it’s a normal rite of passage and we all go through it. I love that you enrolled at a local college and then did a year at the AF. I don’t think you ever told me that. It’s so important to keep learning as adults and French is the perfect opportunity.
Pls say hi to Gigi!!
Hi Diane!
Let me start by saying, everyone has their own situation, expectations and experiences. This is just mine.
I had to learn French for academic purposes. My academic French is better than my quotidien / everyday French. And absolutely, there are good days and bad days.
French speakers correct each other’s French. I’ve had Belgian professors have French persons correct their French and vice versa, and they’d make comments about how French was spoken in other countries, i.e., Quebec and Switzerland. So, try not to get upset if / when someone corrects your French.
To agree with Diane’s other posts, I’d say just do your best. Generally, if you make an effort, people will try to help. Some exceptions if you’re in very touristy areas, but I’d like to think that people generally try to work things out.
From my experience, I think you’d need at least basic level of everyday French to live in France.
Hi there, so true about French speakers correcting other French speakers’ speech. I’ve never seen that anywhere in France. Most English speakers, unless you’re among close friends or family, don’t do that but in France, it’s like some sort of flex and people do it in front of others. Very odd to me!
Hi, Diane! Great content, as always! Very relatable and relevant.
My husband and I just got back from two weeks driving and staying in different parts of France and it cemented our desire to retire there. However, we would definitely invest in language lessons. Before and after the move. I read French better than hear it, and my pronunciation seems to be on the mark. But when someone speaks rapidly at me, I get flustered and confused. Thankfully, almost all of the people I encountered had at least just a couple words of English to help me along in understanding, and I was able to communicate. It really made it clear to me that making the investment in comprehension is critical. Your blog post reinforces that notion.
Thank you, again, for putting out this content. It is impacting lives more than you know!
Ps, we have settled on La Rochelle or somewhere in the Dordogne region to make our retirement life. We simply fell in love with both areas! And Bordeaux is not too far from La Rochelle, so more services will be within an hour drive. What a truly gorgeous and amazing country and people! My love and respect for France only deepened after this trip!
II know various older english people who have lived here (Vendée) for 20 yrs plus, who simply just can’t be bothered. That’s it. I help whenever they ask me (I am also a foreigner!) but I sometimes find it frustrating that they won’t make the smallest effort to even try. I understand that impôts, carte vitale etc can be difficult and I am more than happy to help, but as you said in your article, they are simply ‘admiring the view’. I don’t want to critique these people but feel that just a tiny effort would go a long way !!!
Thank you, Diane for this post — I really identify with some of your points although I live in the Czech Republic and am struggling to learn Czech. I started language classes here several years ago, but when COVID hit they were cancelled and went to Zoom lessons, which was even more difficult for me. Then later I started studying on my own, and did acquire more vocabulary, but still struggled with the grammar and speaking. And yes, I rely on my Czech husband to handle any business which requires speaking Czech. Plus, since we don’t live in Prague, you really need Czech to live here. Ironically, I am more fluent in French (intermediate level) than I am in Czech, having studied it for 9 years in high school and college. Plus, I am now retired, so am not in a work situation where I would be interacting in Czech all day. I just wanted to let you know how much your post has helped me put things in a better perspective; I haven’t given up studying Czech, it’s just taking me a lot longer than I expected to learn it, at least to an intermediate level.
Hi Theresa, I applaud you for learning check and staying dedicated to it. Keep going and I know you’ll feel like you’ve made progress when you look back. I’m so glad my post spoke to you!
Great content. Why move to a foreign country if you can’t communicate? If you want to be a hermit that’s fine. You’ll just be a rude tourist for time in France.
Diane, like you I have noticed that I don’t get the clicks I desire on YouTube and an informal survey informed me that most of my audience prefer audio only. Bummer considering how much time we spend on video editing! I really enjoy your video content but I feel your pain!
Hi Ken, glad you enjoyed the post and great to see you in the comments! About what I said in the newsletter, I actually meant that from just the links I share in the newsletters, my videos get the fewest clicks but that’s because people told me they subscribe and click to watch my videos from YT directly. I’m really happy with the overall views and growth of my channel and community. I’m going to hit 100k soon so no complaints there!!
This opened my eyes up to the different reasons why someone may or may not learn French when moving to live there. It goes to show that we can’t guess what peoples reasons are. Very interesting!
Hi Molly, glad you enjoyed the post. There are SO many reasons why people don’t learn the language. Something I didn’t even include in my list but should have is a learning disability or deficit that makes it even harder. Something I always wonder is if the people who judge foreigners in France and think they’re arrogant for not learning French would feel the same way if the country were China, where the language is tonal and “hard” for foreigners.