Hey all, I want to share something with you that has made an impact on my life. It’s something that I think I always knew but it wasn’t until I heard someone put it into words that I internalized the message. Maybe it can help you in some way too.
Grief has been on my mind lately as we approach the anniversary of my mom’s death. For anyone new here, I lost my mom to cancer three years ago on Oct. 4, 2021 and honestly it feels like yesterday. I also lost other loved ones right before and after losing my mom, so grief has been a bit of a mainstay in my life for a little while now.
Despite it all, I don’t feel like it’s broken me. I am fortunate to have a strong support system — especially my husband and my dad — I don’t take them for granted for a second. Something I’ve learned is that grief is one of life’s greatest teachers. I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect and I want to share the biggest life lesson I’ve taken away from all of this.
Don’t worry, it’s not a sad lesson and I hope it’ll mean something to you too.
Here’s the lesson:
You can’t wait for everything in your life to be in perfect harmony before you allow yourself to be happy. You have to find joy in the present moment even if different areas of your life are out of whack.
Otherwise, you’ll wake up one day at 50 or 60 or 70 and wonder where your life went and why you never did the things you wanted to do. This is a lesson I will take with me for the rest of my life.
Let me explain what I mean. If you’re currently having trouble in one area of your life, don’t wait for it to be resolved before letting yourself live and going after what you want. It’s so important to find joy in where you are now, in the little moments, no matter how small.
If not, your life will then become a game of whack-a-mole where something else keeps popping up right when you were on the cusp of letting yourself be happy. You can’t wait for everything to be in equilibrium and delay your own happiness because you’ll send up wasting your life.
So what I mean is if your home life is great but you’re having trouble at work, don’t wait until your work issues are resolved before you allow yourself to live the life you want. Because what will happen is right when the work situation gets worked out, something else is going to pop up. That’s life. Nothing is ever in perfect harmony.
We hope things will get better in different areas of our lives but the truth is, there will always be something that keeps you out of perfect equilibrium. That’s life.
I think it’s easy to get in a negative cycle where you stay stuck and unhappy. We can dwell on the problems and get so focused on them that we let the thing(s) that’s troubling us that it becomes all consuming. We think we’ll be happy and finally live life when xyz happens… when we’re over the grief, when we finish med school, when our kids are older, when we get the promotion, when our health improves, etc.
We can fall into this trap of associating our worth with external factors — our finances, our family, our career — and it warps our sense of self.
But the message is that you’re worth going after what you want NOW despite whatever challenges you’re facing… grief, health issues, parenting issues, career problems, whatever it is.
We have to learn how to find that happiness despite the challenges because the challenges will always be there in one form or another. Let yourself experience joy wherever you are.
Just a note though that “joy” and “happiness” and “living life” will look different to everyone. They also don’t need to be big things that cost you a ton of money, time, or effort. You know what things matter to you and what you’re putting off.
Something as simple as taking 20 minutes to yourself to journal or go for a walk or bake cookies might be a way to add some joy to your day. Whatever it is, do something for yourself — a moment of joy, happiness, something to look forward to, to LIVE — in the present moment regardless of everything else going on.
Seek these moments out and make them a priority. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
To give you a personal example, something I’ve done to challenge myself and keep learning as an adult was to pick up rowing. I think as adults we so often stop pushing ourselves and put other people first, thus neglecting what may be best for ourselves.
When my favorite fitness app Peloton came out with rowing, I was intrigued but didn’t pull the trigger until this past June and got a rowing machine for my makeshift home garage gym and love it.
My boy Alex Karwoski, my favorite Peloton instructor, makes it fun even though rowing is crazy hard. It’s way more technical than you’d expect, but I love it and it’s something I’m challenging myself to get better at. Believe in or not, I have actually improved in three months. I’ve surprised myself in this short period of time.
If you’ve been putting off something in your life because you’re waiting for the perfect time, let this be a sign to take action now. There is no perfect time. Do the thing you’ve always wanted to do.
At the very least, find a couple of moments today to do something for yourself. Find joy in the now and make that a priority today…. and tomorrow… and the next day. If not now, when? Honestly, when?
Treat yourself like someone you love. Take time to rest and recharge. Do what makes you feel good. For me, that’s being by water, having time to quietly think, time to rest and to spend time with people who make me feel good over a good meal or a walk or drive, prioritize my workouts, whatever.
Only you can make a change for yourself, so go after it.
***
For anyone out there going through something hard, I see you, I feel you, I’m sending you a hug and supporting you from afar. Don’t let anyone tell you anything along the lines of one of these (no matter how well intentioned), “Buck up. Everyone deals with hard things. You’re not the only one. That’s life, so deal with it.”
Not only can all of that be unhelpful but it’s invalidating as hell. Just because “it’s life” doesn’t mean you feel the pain any less or that it’s any easier to deal with. Take care of yourself. You know what you need.
I think I’ll leave it there for now. Let me know if this hit home for you too like it did with me. Love you guys, thanks for being here. xx
Oh, this hit home for me! Let me just say again that I’m so sorry for your loss and although time will continue to pass, the grief will still be with you. Maybe not so intense, but it will be part of who you are, it already is. I was looking at your mom’s picture and she was such a beautiful woman! Thank you for allowing us to know her and share your sorrow! I lost my dad 30 years ago and I still get teary and sad every time I think of him. I hope you feel my friendly virtual hug .
About today’s topic, you’re so right. I hear people talking all the time about waiting to do something they dream of until they retire. Or that they want to reinvent themselves also after they retire. I can’t help to wonder why wait? Retirement gives more time to someone to pursue what they love, but one shouldn’t wait until then to do what they want. Where there is a will, there is always a way. Insert a dose of what you want in your everyday life, even if it’s a small one. We are all time travelers, all we have is NOW.
Hi Niculina, thanks for taking the time to read my post and so glad you are receptive to the message. Thank you again for your condolences. I completely understand how you still tear up thinking about your dad… I’ll be the same way. Sending you a hug as well. xx
Dear Diane. I remember too well when you lost your mother. What a beautiful woman inside and out. Clearly she was a wonderful influence in your life. And I’m certain that her spirit is within you. You have accomplished so much attaining your dream of living in France with Tom and his family as your own. And you maintain your close relationship with your father even though he is in the States.
Your words in today’s blog are very inspiring. Just what I needed to help me get over my recent illness and disappointment in having to cancel my trip.
We are both fortunate. And we will continue to enjoy our fortune despite daily challenges.
Thank you for everything you do to inspire us.
All best to you and Tom…Joe and Gigi.
Hello Joe, thank you for your continued support with everything. You’re a knight in shining armor! I appreciate you. xx
Oh my goodness. I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mom unexpectedly in April. Grieving is so hard and creeps up when you least expect it. I’m doing okay, but my daughters who were very close to my mom are really struggling. I’m going to send this to them. Thank you for sharing. I love your videos too.
Thank you so much, Kimberley, and I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. It’s so hard.
This hits home with me. I’m currently on a mission to find joy in the little things. I’m finally happier in my career (teaching), and it was so needed. I was literally traumatized at my last school. And while it still has its challenges, I feel joyful at work at times now. Getting a coffee after work with my son is something I love to do; a good book makes me so happy. I could go on and on. I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom, Diane, and I’m glad you have a strong support system. While I’m terrified of grief, I recently read that grief is love that has no where to go, that is missing its intended recipient. Take care!
Hi Suzana, thank you! So glad the message landed with you as well and that’s amazing you feel joyful at work and you’ve found little things that brighten your day. I’m the same way. A good cup of coffee can do wonders, same with a book. I just bought some new ones I have to start. Yes, I’d say grief is a continuation of love. People who feel the loss hard have loved hard and that’s a beautiful thing.
Diane,
I am your friend, the Frenchman Jean from Canada.
I am sorry about the loss of your mother and I say to you what I always say, “your mother will stay alive as long as you keep her alive in your mind”.
your thoughts that you have shared with us are profound and correct (I have the same view of life).
now is the most important moment in our lives. the now of a few minutes ago is past and it cannot be changed. the now of tomorrow may never come to pass.
I lost my wife of 48 years of marriage in November last year and her passing has left a big whole in my life. but, just as you said it, I live my life. her life has affected me greatly, both when she was alive and in her death. but I look at the now, the present and go on living. I do take life as it comes, and enjoy it each day. I have happiness each day because I meet people, strangers and friends, Happiness when I see nature and the birds, the squirrel on my deck.
I agree with you, waiting to have a perfect level in all things will make us waste precious time.
I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, your friends.
May God Bless you always.
Jean.