There’s this theme I’ve seen among my own readers and elsewhere in this niche. It’s that life abroad is a certain way and that all of us living abroad in France belong to this homogeneous group made up of people with the same experiences and ideas. It’s just not accurate. And is France a good country to live in? Let’s talk about this…
Is France a good country to live in? Well, the living abroad experience is not one size fits all
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I’ve seen crazy comments and emails that express this underlying assumption that everyone who moves to any area of France is going to fall in love with the lifestyle, food culture, the people, the healthcare, etc. Along with that is the belief that France, and all that comes with it, is inherently superior to life elsewhere, hands down, across the board, everywhere, for everyone.
NO! Just no!
How can anyone rationally think that? Yet I see it expressed over and over again online and in real life. Even if so many aspects of life in France are phenomenal, it’s not a utopia where everyone and everything is perfect.
People on the outside looking in make assumptions about what life is like abroad without taking the time to explore the experience for themselves. Most of the time, the people making these assumptions have never lived abroad and they feel your experience isn’t living up to what they’ve built it up to be in their heads.
Or if they have lived abroad, they’re the ones who move to France to “play house” and are critical of someone’s life that’s very different than the one they’ve lived.
On top of that, another trend I’ve noticed is that when anyone living abroad expresses any type of critical thought about their life, someone will come at them aggressively with a comment along the lines of them not being grateful for the experience or to tell them that they aren’t experiencing the country correctly or that they should be ignored because they’re just being negative. My favorite is, “Well, if you don’t like it, go home!” So helpful!! Ugh.
It’s one thing to have a critical discussion that remains respectful and another thing entirely to act dismissive, uncaring, and rude.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t love and agree with everything about the USA but I sure as heck don’t flippantly tell those living there to move away when they complain. I didn’t appreciate NYC rush hour traffic but I loved my life in NYC and I already was home.
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Certain aspects of life in general can provoke critical thoughts and negativity. We’re humans, after all, and life is life no matter where we live on the planet. We think about stuff. It’s not all good. So of course life abroad isn’t exempt from that fact.
To ignore anything critical or negative would be pulling the blinders over our eyes and that’s certainly not real life….
You can still love a place and enjoy yourself there while still noticing the not so positive aspects of life. They aren’t mutually exclusive. I think it’s more normal to see pros and cons than to see everything through rose-colored glasses 24/7.
You can still love a place and enjoy your life while still noticing the not so positive aspects of life there. Not every living abroad experience is the same and that's a good thing.Click To TweetWhen I see someone acting rudely toward someone else expressing a critical thought because their living abroad mentalities aren’t identical, it says to me that the person doing the shaming places a high value on the idea of living abroad. That it’s #goals and amazing and something they would love to do.
And I say that’s awesome if living abroad is a goal of yours or just happens to be where life has taken you. It can be amazing. So take the steps to do it instead of criticizing someone else for processing their sometimes-hard-to-process feelings.
The dark side of expat life in France >>
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Anyway, it’s this sentiment I see over and over that if we are living life outside of the “norm” of what’s expected, we’re missing out or not doing the abroad experience right.
Maybe we don’t travel enough or speak French fluently enough by others’ standards, but please remember that we never know what’s going on in someone’s life. Coming at someone defensively and full of judgment is never helpful.
Here are 3 examples that I personally know of where people abroad were hurt by ignorant comments:
1) A newly single mom working a minimum wage job to provide for her child getting shamed for not traveling more and seeing how beautiful France is… when she barely has money for food. Or any free time.
2) A person writing on an expat forum about how hard the bureaucracy is in France and asking if someone can help with documents in French, getting told they should speak French fluently by now after living in France for 3 years…. not realizing the person’s spouse just died and the bureaucracy has been particularly hard to deal with when you’re alone and grieving with no support.
3) A retiree telling a student living abroad who’s having trouble making friends and is lonely to just get out more and try harder… not realizing they suffer from crippling depression and it took every ounce of strength they had to pursue a study abroad program.
And so on…. no one living their life abroad is doing anything more right or more wrong than anyone else. Most people are living their life on their terms and trying to do the best they can in the moment. The best thing we can do is offer support and try to be understanding.
No one living their life abroad is doing anything more right or more wrong than anyone else. They're trying to do the best they can in the moment. The best thing we can do is offer support and try to be understanding. #expat #expatlifeClick To TweetLife abroad is real life. It’s not always pretty.
I told you that one of the hardest things about living abroad for me is experiencing real-life struggles, just in a different culture and language. If you’re abroad long enough, you or someone you love is going to go through a hard time and experience the death of a loved one, a health crisis, relationship issues, financial issues, job stress, or something along those lines.
That’s not what an old friend wants to talk about when you only have 10 minutes to catch up. It’s not what people want to read about on blogs or see on social media. But it is real.
So often we share our best life online. That goes double for travel blogs and spaces where beautiful imagery sells the dream. We share the good, the shiny, the positive, the beautiful. We upload the best vacation pics and the ones of ourselves looking good and happy.
But real life isn’t always good, shiny, positive, and beautiful and why should we pretend it is? It feeds into the notion that life abroad is a cure-all for all of life’s ills.
People wonder, “Is France a good country to live in?” because from the outside, it sure does look dreamy!
But real life isn't always good, shiny, positive and beautiful and why should anyone pretend it is? That feeds into the notion that life abroad is a cure-all for all of life's ills.Click To TweetSomething I stress on my blog is that everyone’s experience abroad is going to be different. When readers write to ask me general questions, I always preface my reply with, “Well, in my experience…” because we all chose a life abroad for different reasons and bring our own ideas, background and needs to our new life.
There is no single “life in France” experience. My answers to questions people ask me are unique to where my life has taken me.
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Here are a few reasons why life abroad isn’t one size fits all:
What are your motivations for moving abroad? Are you moving to a big city or small town? Will you be working? Are you resilient? Do you have support from friends and family? Do you speak the language? Do you have kids and will they attend a local school? Does your time abroad have an end date? What do you hope to gain abroad? Are you ready to sacrifice certain things?
There are so many reasons for why our lives look different abroad. Honestly, my days probably look a lot like yours. Just in a different culture and language.
Most days, my life is nothing fancy. I work, I grocery shop, I work out, I walk the dog, I clean. I’m not here just passing through for a set period of time. I moved to France permanently. Or as permanent as anything can be. I have a French spouse. I don’t live in Paris. I didn’t study French in college. I try to look on the bright side of things. I get back up when I fall.
I’m just an American living abroad in France. Nothing more, nothing less.
That’s why over on Facebook, I share articles from all different types of people and not just those living in France, not just my experiences, and not just stories from people like me.
I post articles from people living all over the world. Students, retirees, singles, couples, those who love their life abroad, those who are really struggling, and perspectives from those who are in between. I don’t only share rosy stuff because my point is that life isn’t all rosy and doing so wouldn’t feel authentic to me.
And it really grinds my gears when I see someone sh*t on another person’s experience or perception or feelings just because those things don’t match their own.
There’s no typical living abroad experience. We all have valid stories to tell and it’s so important to keep our ears and minds open. My experience is mine and I get so much out of sharing it with you on my blog.
Thank you for being here and listening.
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Thank you for writing and sharing such a wonderful post. Having permanently moved to France recently, I have often wondered whether my experience is substantially different than other English speaking expats. I can now feel assured that while it is, that is OK – we all have experiences that are uniquely our own.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Ashley. I’m so happy to see this as the first comment because you get where I’m coming from and took away the exact message I was trying to leave readers with, so that makes me feel reassured. I always get a little nervous with #realtalk because of what I wrote in the piece. People don’t always understand where a writer is coming from and don’t even try. Thank you again!
If expats or émigrés seem exceptionally happy about life abroad/in France, I would attribute it to the fact that they CHOSE to move, and that perhaps they are fulfilling a lifelong dream. That would make a person feel pretty good, compared with the person who doesn’t dare to follow their dreams or who feels stuck in a place because of various obligations.
At the same time, assimilating to another culture isn’t always easy, even when one is willing. And nobody’s life is completely stress-free, whether one is in their hometown or a new city or country–ups and downs can be conflagrated with place when place is a big part of your identity.
Personally, I can’t stand the gripes about French bureaucracy. I have never had a problem–everyone I have ever dealt with has been professional and courteous. It probably has helped that I have always shown up with all the necessary papers, with photocopies already made (at my last visit to the prefecture, there was a huge line for the photocopy machine in the lobby). The thing is, when you parachute into a new country, you start all that paperwork from scratch, instead of building it up from birth over the years. France is no more or less demanding than anyplace else in the paperwork department.
“Even if so many aspects of life in France are phenomenal, it’s not a utopia where everyone and everything is perfect.”
This says it all for me.
After living in France for over 7 years now, my life has taken on an everyday routine for me and my three children. Although I love living in France, life in France isn’t perfect. I get so sick and tired of people who think you should NOT complain about your new host country or tell you to just leave if you’re not happy.
Thank you for posting this.
Diane, one of your best posts yet. I knew I would love it before I read it and I’ll be sure to share. Your points are valid not just for life in France but for any expat. Thanks for putting it all into words! Jasmine
Phenomenal post Diane. Succinct, true and compassionately written. Should be “required reading” for all about to take the plunge!
Really appreciate that, Debbie! Thank you for taking the time to comment. I never know if pieces like this resonate with people and I’m so glad that you enjoyed it!
Excellent post, Diane ! Everything is true ! Many people love to knock others down in order to feel important. That kind of behavior is all about the lower ego. It’s common with people who live life in complete denial
or those who cover up the real truth. As far as bureaucracy goes, that depends on who takes care of your paperwork. You can do everything right but In some cases things just happen. Paperwork get lost, employees are rude or don’t care. It happens. There is no need to ridicule or judge another for their personal experience ! Like they say: Never judge another person unless you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins ! Hugs and Love !
Thanks so much for reading and understanding where I’m coming from. Never judging is so important and something that falls by the wayside. I think it’s our instinct to judge sometimes but it’s a step forward if we recognize it and stop before it gets ugly. What’s crazy is that the most judgmental people I’ve seen lately are my parents’ age and they leave their rude comments online publicly (w/their name)!
Diane, this is so true! I believe everyone’s life abroad is difficult, just in different ways. Life is life no matter where you live! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading! Congrats again on your new addition!
The first year that I lived in France was one of the most challenging of my life and I WANTED to move here. Once I adjusted, I absolutely love it here and love the lifestyle here; however, I can see how it wouldn’t be for everyone. For the most part, I’ve adapted to things being closed early, having to call ahead to not find a place closed, etc. I can see how the lifestyle wouldn’t suit some people though.
Hi Brooke! I hope that you had supportive friends and family the first year and that no one shamed you for not I hope that you had supportive friends and family the first year. 🙂 It’s not easy, is it?
I barely had friends my first year! As for friends and family back home, they did their best, but I heard, “why don’t you just come home then?” a few times too many. Or, “well, wherever you go, there you are,” meaning you can’t run away from your problems . . . yes, I’m aware of that and it had nothing to do with the situation really. My French still isn’t what I’d like it to be, which means that I do occasionally run across a French person with something negative to say about it (understandably to some extent, since I live here). And I think it makes a big difference whether you actually know yourself well, have assessed if the culture (or what you know of it) is a good fit and choose to move for that reason. I have no doubt that if I moved for work to a country that I didn’t really want to be in, I might not have lasted the first year! It’s not easy by any means! 🙂
I can’t imagine living abroad, I have lived in Newie (Newcastle) my whole life as have my family and considering how close I am to my family that is a good thing
Oh, yes, this attitude is ridiculous. I see it as well with Canada, which is a popular destination right now. If you’re not happy, your fault. If you complain, it’s because you’re an idiot. If you don’t succeed (whatever that means…), then you’re a failure.
This is so silly. First of all, all immigrants have different expectations. The “perfect life” for one immigrant may be the other person’s idea of hell. I mean, I’m French and you would have to pay me A LOT of money to make me live in Paris but I fully acknowledge this is just MY opinion (nothing personal against Paris, lovely city to visit but way to many sacrifices to make to live there!).
And also, people change, places change. Someone who moved to the US during the Obama era may not feel the same about the country during the Trump era (just to take an extreme change). Living in Paris alone is very different from living in Paris with a couple of kids.
I’m always amazed to see how judgmental some people can be…
So glad you understand where I’m coming from, Zhu. It’s like people can’t win sometimes. As bloggers, we’re exposed to a greater circle of people than we would normally have access to and I think that’s a positive thing overall. People have opened my eyes to other ways of living and doing, but it’s also exposed me to very close-minded and judgmental types as well. I don’t know why it still surprises me now that people my parents’ age act like idiots publicly on FB, but it does, every time! Anyway, thanks again for getting it!
The english saying (of the same sentiment) is “different strokes for different folks”.
Our subjective assessment of what is “good” and what is “bad” is , uh, “subjective”. It depends more upon our outlook (a function of where we are from) than factual evidence.
Living in France is often very good and often very bad. It depends upon the circumstance – and each circumstance is different variable for all of us.
The dichotomy for Americans is that they come from a country in which they “think” they are free. Frankly (and this is highly personal) what I find free (or relative free) is the fact that if you live/work in France you have access to one of the finest Healthcare Systems for your family and a very, very low cost post-secondary educational system that will allow your children the basic means of obtaining a good job (within which to found their own families).
All the rest depends upon our expectations, which are perhaps very different in all of us “expats” living here. If you come from another EU country, the above aspects of living-in-France are not so important because they exist already.
But if you are from the US, then they can be vitally preferable options because neither are guaranteed by the government there. Some call that “work in progress” – but as a democracy we are older and creakier than most European countries today …
I actually agree with Zhu.
This idea that all you need is willpower and a good attitude and then everything around you will work out is ridiculous. As if we measure people’s worth by how happy they are, or if they dare to complain and seek social support.
And it’s like we completely disregard our host country and its conditions. So would it make sense for someone to seek life in South Africa or England under current political conditions?
And plenty of people DARE to chase their dreams, and follow their bliss but current political conditions aren’t in their favor.
And honestly, what’s so wrong feeling stuck in a place because of a loved one or a family member? That’s our reality. That’s what makes us human. I mean, I don’t know about anyone else, but plenty of times I felt stuck and then I tried to make the best of things. This whole attitude “if you’re unhappy, it’s YOUR fault” is nonsense.
People need belonging. People need friends. To imply that it’s someone’s choice to be in a situation where things are challenging is ridiculous. There are so many things we may overlook, like you said, lack of finances, lack of support or times when it’s incredibly hard just to get out of bed. Jesus, like getting stuck in life is a ~choice*~ get over yourself.
I’m glad you’re keeping things real. Let’s keep in mind that our shared humanity is treating others with kindness and compassion when they are being authentic or vulnerable.
Yah, I just think sometimes people are very unhappy with themselves so they’ll find fault in others almost automatically. It’s less about what we’re doing and more about what they’re going through. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Your last line says it all. 😉
Some years ago my wife and I were expats in Switzerland. On balance it was a terrific experience but it definitely had its highs and lows. Especially at first, when everything is new, you feel like an idiot most days, even when dealing with the simplest things. I remember when we’d been there about six months, my wife turned to me and said, “You know, I used to be competent.”
As you say, everyone’s experience is different and it’s hard to know what someone else is going through. For the last ten years we’ve lived part-time in Provence and our friends in the US still think it’s some kind of extended vacation. “No,” we say, “we live there, doing normal everyday things each day” but they don’t really get it.
Hi Diane, I believe I may be one belonging to“ my parent’s age group “ who gives her full name…what can I say, at my age it would be silly not to stand behind my posted comments. I hope I am not one of those who offended you but if I am, I apologize, it wasn’t my intention at all. I consider myself a veteran immigrant or expat since I’ve lived abroad for the last 2 decades and after so long, I would love to actually help younger expats to maybe better understand the whole integration into a different country and culture. Because it is a multitude of processes going on in the same time and each person will have its own iindividual journey , as you very well said it. You see, when I started my life as an expat, there weren’t blogs, online information or support groups, so I had to navigate these muddy waters of transition pretty much on my own. Like Keith’s wife in the previous comment I used to be competent and all of a sudden I found myself at the level of a 5 yo, both in language and dealing with the most simple, mundane tasks. These days it’s much better because if I want to spend 3 months in France, I know just by watching your videos and reading your blogs how a supermarket in France looks like and what I can find there. So your effort and time you put into creating all this content is extremely helpful, plus it offers people a place to vent their frustrations. I didn’t have that, so I appreciate you and your wonderful support you are offering to so many people who have the courage to pursue a change of country and culture. I just want to add 2 more things :
– for people who still struggle with the language barrier, be patient. The younger you are, the faster you’ll transition to actually thinking in French rather than thinking in English and translating in French. At 41 y o it took me about 8 years. Meanwhile, imerse yourself as much possible into the language and culture, even though you’ll make mistakes. It’s inevitable and it really shouldn’t stop you, just appologize and ask what would have been a better way to do or say.Keep in mind that in order to gain the french accent you’ll need to retrain your facial muscles so you could be able to sound out words differently and that’s a lengthy process.
-for people who feel that they’re loosing their native identity, you will loose some of that. But you’ll also gain another one, more complex and you’ll actually get to understand yourself better in this process. However, eventually you”ll need to come to terms with the fact that you’ll always have two homes and that you are not a pure breed so to speak, but a hybrid.There are going to be compromises and trimmings and adjustments. One will need to let go of certain things and learn other ways to do those things. But in the end, you’ll become a well rounded person, a stronger person and despite the fear that you won’t be you, you”ll actually be more YOU than you were before, if that makes any sense to anyone
Thank you again, you are one fun to read and watch! Have a good trip back home and enjoy the family there!
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I appreciate what Diane is trying to say in her blog, and I like very much how Niculina responded. I spent only 3 months working in France as a young 23 year old and my attitude was, if I put my expectations of myself too high, I will look like an idiot because it will be quite obvious that I’m under the wrong impression about myself. On the flip side, if I’m comfortable with speaking bad French and cheerful about the fact that I’m at least trying to communicate, people will be helpful and friendly. And it worked. So I never took myself or my French too seriously and had the most wonderful time. Trying to be perfect highlights your flaws. If you aim unrealistically high you are more likely to l fall short and end up making yourself miserable. Being judgmental of others is the biggest giveaway of being imperfect yourself.
Bisous,
Jeanne
HI Jeanne, thank you for your comment and support. So true what you’re saying about expectations…. I go back and forth between setting the bar high for myself (not with living abroad stuff necessarily, but life stuff) and then setting it low and expecting nothing so I’m pleasantly surprised. With France-related things, the latter works best, so that way a situation leaves me pleasantly surprised if I go in expecting nothing at all.
I don’t take much too seriously these days and I think it’s for the best. So I’m with you there. 😉
I think your last line is the truth. People who have to nitpick and be critical of others’ decisions are the ones who have the issue, not the person they’re critiquing.
Thanks again for being here. Happy Holidays!
Really appreciate your thoughtful comment, Niculina! I don’t think you’ve ever said anything offensive on my site, so no worries. Anyone who takes time to read and post like this, understand others’ points of view, and leave thoughtful comments is a-ok in my book. 😉
I really appreciate your kind words and the fact that you actually put them in writing. So often we might find someone’s writing or support helpful but we keep it to ourselves for whatever reason, so the fact that you’re out there, appreciating what I create is the best Christmas/bday gift I could ask for.
I definitely agree w/you and feel that living abroad has made me a more well-rounded person and for that reason, I’d recommend it to anyone looking to better themselves as a person.
Thank you again and have a wonderful rest of the holiday season!
I am late to the game here but YES YES YES YES YES! Thanks so much Diane for this post. You are an amazing advocate for all of our experiences. Please do not lose that voice. xoxox