Why does the internet bring out the worst in people?
I wasn’t going to post today because I am hosting the All About France link up tomorrow (hope to see you there), but the response to a blogger friend’s recent critical post on life in France has left me unable to stay silent. I am angry.
Oui In France is a place where I share my perspective on what it’s like as an American in France. It’s my life and my story and not the only experience one can have. Fellow bloggers share their own stories on their blogs and one in particular that I’d like to focus on here is a recent post from Dana of As Told By Dana titled When the Grass Isn’t Greener: Falling Out of Love with France.
I admit, if you have idealized notions of France and have never lived here, it may rub you the wrong way. But keep an open mind while you read.
Dana writes:
“But over the past six months or so, I’ve seemed to have replaced my rose-colored glasses with jaded ones, and can’t help but to have found a touch of grey in the silver lining. I feel so torn, because even though I still want to love France, I seem to have fallen out of love with her and everything I once loved about her. Perhaps I am finally embracing the phrase, “The grass isn’t always greener.” I used to think it was greener in France. “
She wraps up by saying:
“I realize that I’ve come round full circle- from hating the USA and loving France to completely hating France and loving the USA, to finally having a bit of a love-hate relationship with both.”
Done reading? OK, good.
There’s no question the thought-provoking post was extremely well written and isn’t the tired cliché you’ve read 100 times, so I shared it on my FB page. It got a big response and a few other bloggers shared it, including Veronique of French Girl in Seattle. Her online community was overall very positive toward it. Even those who disagreed remained respectful.
But then The Local France ran the blog on their site, and if you’ve ever read The Local’s comment section, you know what happened next.
Discussion turned ugly and opinions shared were anything but respectful. The trolls attacked Dana and her writing. They’re continuing to do so.
Why? Because it’s so easy to hide behind your keyboard and be a dick when there are no repercussions.
(Since writing this, The Local has published another piece addressing the issue of foreigners being critical)
The way we engage in critical discussion says a lot about a person and I feel is a marker of one’s intelligence and respect toward the human race. You can disagree — and do so vehemently — and still not piss anyone off if it remains respectful. Civility is something we should all strive for online. It’s not OK to name call, attack and threaten.
What have we become?
No one has to fawn over a piece of writing if they don’t personally relate to anything being said. Just the opposite. Be the voice of dissent. Get into a lively discussion. But be civil. The golden rule still matters.
A real person is on the receiving end of the mean-spirited and downright ugly comments and sometimes words cut deep.
Personally, I could relate to a lot of what Dana wrote about. Why can’t homosexuals adopt children in France? Why can’t women freeze their eggs? It doesn’t seem right.
Anyone who has lived in France will find at least part of what Dana said to be true, and if they don’t, they haven’t lived here long enough.
No place is perfect (I wrote my own piece on that here) and you can still enjoy where you’re living and be critical toward it. Let me say that again. You can still find fault with a country’s culture, law, society, whatever and still feel it’s the right place for you. I can love the USA but acknowledge that we have a racism problem and that Trump and Hillary are far from ideal presidential candidates. Just like Dana — or anyone — can point out France’s shortcomings and still make a home here. If we don’t acknowledge issues, how can we ever work together to make them better?
To wrap this up…
If you’re reading this, you’re probably a regular reader of Oui In France, so thank you for being here and being respectful. You’re all wonderful.
When everything else in life is stripped away, it’s our character that people will remember. It’s how we make others feel. It’s how we conduct ourselves when times are tough. Let’s collectively let civility win.
(and again, see you back here tomorrow for the All About France link up!)
I thought Dana’s post was even-handed. I was happily unaware of that other site, but just the names of the commentators made it clear that it was troll-ville.
There is another site I used to read, but the writer has become so reactionary, pro-Trump (on a decorating blog), and increasingly overtly racist, and the comments echoed it, as if they’d been given permission to reveal their true colors, that I just unsubscribed. The posts with pretty pictures weren’t worth the rest.
Yeah, sometimes you just have to know what you’re getting into on certain sites and take the good with the bad if you keep on reading. I enjoy The Local France most of the time but just skip over the comments. I’ll probably take a break from it for a bit because the commenters really are miserable people 99% of the time.
I am so glad you are addressing this. Actually, I was glad you originally shared the post in the first place. I read it through your FB page first. My colleagues saw a response I posted pop-up on their feed as well, and it prompted more great dialogue the rest of the day, on my end at least. The piece was thoughtful, realistic, and honest, and I can’t comprehend the negative reaction it generated. Such a shame we can’t be more civil on the internet. It’s such a great tool, and yet *we* abuse it so much. I hope that Dana wasn’t too put off. It is a great piece!
I think a lot of times when we read something that hits a nerve, it’s because we’re taking it personally. Maybe too personally, and almost as a critique. So the rude, aggressive reactions are defensive and a knee-jerk response. But I think Dana’s piece goes deeper than just being critical of France just for fun and it’s a shame that people can’t politely disagree or express themselves. Just nuts! Thank you. 😉
What a well written and balanced response. There is always many ways of looking at a situation and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Respect and kindness are so important!
Wholeheartedly agree about respect and kindness… even if you have to force yourself. And that’s just it! Behind a computer screen, it’s so easy to NOT fly off the handle. You can take a minute to cool off before writing something out of line. No one sees our expression or body language or if we scream at the screen and punch a wall before we compose a reply.
The anonymous/cowardly trolls in the comment boxes are the “worst” cultural development in our era. Seriously, I believe they create the atmosphere that slowly shapes the mindset that “attack mode” is okay as a norm. And that “norm” is increasingly manifested in the public square and politics on a non-anonymous basis – but somehow its all “okay”. We become what we spend time reading.
Have to agree…. I understand we all make mistakes and sometimes we do attack but it’s never OK. And your last line is so true. We DO become what we spend the time reading. I’ve also heard that we’re the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with. So it’s important to choose friends carefully!
I’m so glad you wrote this – I don’t follow The Local France on FB and I read Dana’s post before the trolls got to it so I had no idea. Even some of the more polite negative comments were insufferably condescending. It’s okay to not agree, but geez!
Yeah I noticed that too. Even the comments that weren’t mean really came across like a big F U. Unreal!
I think that everyone is entitled do discuss the culture they live in without being attacked by a bullying troll. People that hang the computer and do this are unhappy in their own lives. Otherwise they wouldn’t have the need to scope everyone out, and attack them on a personal level. I’ve come across enough bullies in my lifetime to know they all have deeply rooted psychological issues. Lets not give people like this a stage to act on. I say delete their posts. Like the bullies in the physical form when their power is taken they wilt, they are nothing.
Agreed. Even if someone writes something on a blog that is so out of line and even offensive or racist (Dana didn’t do this at all, just an example), we can show the strength of our own character by replying in a level-headed, respectful manner. Even if it’s difficult. I think when people respond and fly off the handle being disrespectful and downright hateful, it shows us way more about who they are than the person who penned the piece. My FB wall is crazy with political commentary right now and it really brings out people’s true colors.
Couldn’t agree w/you more, Cynthia. Hope you’re well!
Thank you so much, Diane ! I go well and I’m very happy to know that you are having a great summer ! Politics always brings out the worst in many people. It causes so much separation. That is not what we need. I would like to see Americans come together as a nation. Only then can the true healing of a nation and it’s people begin ! Many good wishes and thoughts to you ! Thank you so much for your great work ! It truly helps people !
Bonsoir Diane. I am a little late in the game since I was at work all day. Thank you for mentioning my Facebook community, French Girl in Seattle, in a positive way. I agree with you whole-heartedly about the ridiculous reactions following your friend’s blogpost. Even if I do not agree with several points she made, as an expat and a former cross-cultural trainer, I was still touched by her honesty and what she has been going through. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she was online yesterday. Yet this happens to people all the time. As I mentioned to her when she visited my Facebook community, you have to be ready for people’s reactions when you start putting yourself out there on the web. Thank you for pointing out French Girl in Seattle’s readers were civil in their responses to the blogpost. I am lucky to be followed by a group of francophiles who are mostly respectful of each other when they comment on the page. Those who aren’t don’t stay around long; I make sure of it. This is an important point: What we see happening online today is not just the result of a handful of sour grapes who bitterly complain and attack everything and everyone with no filter (even if the website you mention has plenty of those.) A major problem, IMHO, is the fact that many community managers on Facebook – who are all about “click and bait,” and getting more Likes, absolutely take no responsibility for moderating their page and controlling their online community. People who visit my page are asked to comment in an articulate way, and to remain civil and respectful with me, and each other. I tolerate absolutely no insults or name-calling. Visitors who do not follow these rules get one polite, but firm reminder, then I block them. Believe it or not, I have not had to block that many people over the last 4 years. Most people comply when you warn them. Those who don’t as they say, is history. 🙂 If everyone did the same on their page, or at least tried, the online world might be a better place. Anyway, congrats on a well-penned article, and for a well-behaved community at Oui in France. Bonne continuation! Veronique – aka French Girl in Seattle.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Veronique. I couldn’t agree with you more. Even if The Local still let people express themselves in really rude ways, a comment policy would be a step in the right direction and I emailed the editor Ben expressing my thoughts on that. When you let people behave like idiots, they’ll continue to do so. I also think that other commenters need to help police the community too by chiming in and letting the rude, aggressive types know that it is NOT OK to be so disrespectful.
How interesting you haven’t had to block many people in 4 years. Says a lot about your community and how you run things over there.
I know you mentioned Dana deleting her comments on your FB page and it seems she deleted hers on mine too. I hope everything is OK. She doesn’t deserve any of this and I will support her however I can. This is making me feel sick to my stomach. Thank you again!
Civility is about self-control and those that feel their freedom allows them to be vicious and violent lack self.contol skills and do not respect the norms of social boundaries. Here in America these same personality types have incited violence against innocent civilians, law enforcement and various groups. The civil unrest has destroyed businesses, threatened law and order in communities and opened the doors to lawlessness and reintroduced racism. An editor who doesn’t comprehend the proper boundaries of the marketplace of ideas is a danger to the community. If I were there I’d write the owner – Americans have moved to France because it’s different. He should encourage it keeps its elegance.
Hi Deborah, thank you for commenting. You mean the editor of The Local? I’ve already written him and they are going to think about a comment policy that specifically tells people to act in an appropriate manner. Will it change things? I don’t know but it’s a start. They already deleted blatant hate speech.
Wonderful! I’m so happy that they are removing blatant hate speech, responsible journalism helps ensures respectful dialogue.