If you’ve lived abroad long enough, you’ve surely come up against periods of frustration and struggle when you don’t feel at peace with your situation in life. That’s a life experience we all go through and you certainly don’t have to live abroad to struggle. But those of us who do live abroad long-term have unique challenges, and if you find yourself in one of these down periods where nothing seems to be falling into place, and you’re stressing about not adapting the way you should like everyone else seemingly is, you are not alone. There’s one mindset shift that you might find freeing and better able to deal with the challenges of life abroad.
Disadvantages of living abroad
Do you ever feel like an outsider who is doing everything abroad wrong? And is it intensified when you have a bunch of life stresses coming at you from all directions on top of it?
A couple of years ago, a family member’s health challenges shook me to my core. Combine that with job changes and financial stress and you have a recipe for feeling like you don’t know which way is up. Add in the fact that you live far away from all that was once comfortable and the reality that you live your life in a foreign language in a foreign land, and you can forget what makes you YOU and how to overcome the current challenges.
Pros and cons of living abroad in France that matter most >>
Luckily, most of that is in the rear view mirror now for me, but I started thinking about all the challenges of living abroad the other day while walking Dagny at the park. I do my best thinking when I’m alone in nature and used the time to prep for my YouTube video collab with Unintentionally Frenchified about the hardest parts of living abroad in France (video at end of post).
Something I’ve learned over the years is that it’s essential to be who you are and carry that with you no matter where you’re from and where you find yourself living in the world.
In times of struggle when the disadvantages of living abroad are really heavy, if you can’t be 100% who you are in how you think, feel, and act, the hard periods abroad will be even more difficult because you’ll be pushing against something instead of finding your place within it. Don’t change who you are in your heart to fit into a mold that wasn’t built for you. Being comfortable abroad is a process and one that’s made infinitely harder if we fight it trying to live life according to some other place’s standards.
Dol-de-Bretagne
Yes, go out and discover your new surroundings and experience all France has to offer to the fullest. Take the parts with you that work and leave behind the parts that don’t mesh with who you are. This next part is super important and was a major mental shift for me after a couple years of living here that I found incredibly freeing. Maybe it can help you.
I came to France thinking I had to learn everything about France and the French way of life and then do my best to be like that to thrive. I stupidly thought I had to dim my spirit and what makes me Diane, and by doing so, it can chip away at who you are. You can still honor and respect French customs and culture in your own way and be all the happier for it.
Once I made that shift and allowed myself to express my personality in everyday life, somehow life challenges that came my way seemed much more manageable when I wasn’t trying to be anyone else.
For me, living abroad can sometimes feel like I’ve lost a part of my identity or had to reinvent myself. Sometimes I act like a model foreigner. Above all, we need to keep ourselves grounded and connected with what makes us happy. Don’t force yourself into someone else’s timeline of when you should be at ease with the language and culture or when you should get that promotion at work or buy a house. Timelines don’t do anything but add stress to an already frazzled mind.
We need to give ourselves space and grace to know what we need.
I know I need to stop saying “should.” It’s self-defeating to say we “should” test at this level, should understand everything on TV, or should see this many countries by a certain date. Shoulds suck. Shoulds make us feel like we’ve failed at things that were never ours in the first place and won’t get us to where we want to go.
If you’re abroad and questioning your choices and being hard on yourself, my advice is to just let yourself be. Let all that crap go and detach from the stories we tell ourselves that serve nothing but our anxiety.
I think as humans, especially ones who live abroad and see our new homelands as shiny and new and a place in which to better ourselves, it’s so easy to see what we want for ourselves in others. In doing so, we ignore all the wonderful qualities that already exist within us. Maybe we seek to be more fashionable, better traveled, successful, and just more, when what we already have is more than enough.
If we slow down and stop looking, we see so much to be proud of within ourselves.
First day out once lockdown ended. I’ll never be a heel-wearing, perfectly coiffed person who has it all together and that’s fine with me.
Don’t lose a part of yourself trying to be more like someone else. It’s easy to forget who you are when you’ve been too busy to ever stand on your own legs. There’s no value in playing dress-up with your life.
It’s freeing to just opt out of the bullshit. The living abroad experience is not one size fits all.
Make it yours, do what gets you inspired and excited about life, and the rest will fall into place. And that feels really good.
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What have some of the biggest disadvantages of living abroad been for you?
P.S. A quick note on finding a job abroad. Many of us have changed careers or started from scratch for a variety of reasons. Finding a job in France can be one of the biggest challenges of living abroad. If you’re a bit lost and at the throwing-spaghetti-at-the-wall stage to see what sticks, I can’t recommend CareerFitter enough. The simple test will take you through a series of questions and scenarios that will help you figure out your strengths and what might be the perfect job fit for your personality. It’s a 10-minute assessment and you’ll get a career report at the end to help you give clarity.
I can’t imagine living that far from my family
It certainly has its challenges — especially if you are close with your family!
I LOVE that picture of you ( and of Dagny of course “))! Confidence and a little bit of sassiness look good on you.
I’m glad to see you doing so well. There are definitely some growing pains in living abroad but eventually one finds the right groove. It seems like you have found yours, which is fantastic. After struggling so much it feels good to finally breathe easier.
Stay safe, stay happy!
Thanks so much for readig, Niculina!
Well, there are always things to work on and life throws things our way constantly, but the video with Kate got me thinking about the early years and once I realized I don’t need to be like the French to be happy here, it changed everything about 2-3 years in. So hope others find the mindset shift helpful.
Stay safe and happy too!
Enjoyed your chat. Like both of you, I do speak French but it is not my first language. I have only just realised, after years of using the language, that I defer constantly to the French speaker. It is almost as if I rate myself lower on some sort of artificial scale and it puts me at a real disadvantage in nearly all circumstances.
Thanks for reading (and watching), Catherine! 😉
It’s interesting what you said about deferring to the French speaker. I tend to let the French person talk more and lead the convo I’ve found, not because I have nothing to say or that I’m a pushover but because I’m not quick! Sigh.
Hi Diane! Finally, an expat video that I can relate to and that talks about the REAL struggles of living abroad. As an American living in France for the past 5 years I’ve struggled immensely here and have never truly felt like myself. I had finally decided to move back with a job lined up and then sadly corona changed all my plans. I’ve been so torn every day for years about whether to stay or go because on the one hand, you have so much more security here in France and have endless opportunities to travel but in the US I feel like the real me and I miss the warmth of the people and the culture. I hope one day I can finally make such a difficult decision. Your blog has helped me so much over my years here, thank you so much!!!
Hi Nikki, thanks for taking the time to comment and so happy my blog has helped you. I completely understand the struggle and not feeling like yourself. Life is hard and moving abroad doesn’t always make it easier, or is fine for a while but then things change or we change. I applaud you for making the decision to head back to the US—even if Covid has delayed it a bit.
I think sometimes we are afraid of making a change and then stay stuck so good on you for figuring out what you needed to do. I wish you all the best in the next chapter! 🙂
Bravo Diane! You said it! Woohoo!
Q
Fab article! and i couldn’t agree with you more. As a person who’s lived away from the home country for 16 years, i agree that knowing who you are, and sticking to this is key in surviving living abroad. And it’s definitely not worth forgetting or forfeiting your true self for the sake of fitting in.
Diane, great photo!
I really enjoy your blog – so honest and helpful. I’d like to offer a couple of things that I’ve learned from living overseas in Mexico City, Puerto Rico, and Paris. My stays have been from 3-14 months, always with the knowledge that I would return to the U.S. eventually (obviously significantly different from your situation!).
*The first month or two in a new culture are exciting! Everything different is fascinating. Then irritation and doubt set in – “Why don’t they do things the right way?” “Am I behaving in an acceptable, polite way?” “Why in the world do they do this, or think that?” Finally , after another month or two, I’ve invariably reached a level of acceptance and realized that this new culture is not going to adapt to me, I
need to adapt to it. There will be mistakes, either grievous or hilarious. Things are good again – challenging.
*I spent much of my career teaching French, and after many shorter or longer stays in the country (mostly in Paris), I’ve developed a deep love and admiration for the country and culture. However, I myself will never be French! I’ll never know the little
stories and rhymes that children learn, never have been a teenager there struggling with dating and first love, never have lived through difficult political times, long metro strikes, or had to come to terms with aspects of French history. I think that my NOT trying to “become French” underlies some beautiful friendships and connections with French people – we accept, respect, and enjoy each others’ differences arising from different experiences/exposures. What you write reflects this same idea – be yourself, don’t try to “be French.” If you respond strongly to certain things about your new culture, gently integrate them into your own, unique way of being.
I can’t imagine my life without France, or without my Mexican-American husband who has taught me about a third culture. How rich our world is!
Thanks, Diane, for the wonderful reads you offer in your blogs. I deeply appreciate the insights you share, and details of French culture that you highlight. Your blog is a great, enjoyable, dependable learning experience – and so much fun!
You get use to it!!
This is a hard one for me. I’ve lived in Australia for 30 years and raising kids here alone with no family was hell. Pure and simple. Our kids struggled to fit in and make friends because Australians tend to have set friend groups from school and don’t really move around much. My kids tended to stay with the handful of kids also with parents from overseas. Our work place was an ‘ivory tower’ as everyone is from overseas so you can make friends from all over the world, however, we were the only ones to have kids in our age group. Our problem is retirement. All our friends have moved home, back overseas, and we are stuck here alone. Our kids feel Australian but we don’t. I am lonely and sick of not fitting anywhere. I just want to go home but not without my kids. What Do I Do Now! I do NOT want to die here!
I didn’t have the idea of fitting in when I moved to Paris. I was always happy to be an American because in Paris we are welcomed. I was never made to feel out of place because most people are happy to talk to you.
But I will say after 6 years I cannot speak the language and that has been hard. I always get “you’ve been here this long and you can’t speak it?!”, and then they want to converse in English so they can practice without realizing they’re the reason we can’t learn! Obviously it’s different for other parts of France, but everyone in Paris speaks English. And of course teaching children English means the parents especially love the lack of French, which means you can only speak children’s French.
But perhaps that’s also a reason why I haven’t a hard time, I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want to fit in. They made it easy for me to stay me. However I’m sure this isn’t the case in other parts of France. Paris has so many Americans that it’s not at all hard to fit in.