Before moving to France, the only time I’d ever hear the “Where are you from” question directed at me would be on vacation. I was surrounded by people from out of the area, usually other Americans. It was lighthearted small talk that didn’t count for much.
But after moving to France, the same question comes up regularly and it feels different. People notice my accent and then the inevitable question follows. It can feel loaded and definitely isn’t always friendly or lighthearted. On our worst days, maybe we bristle at the question and feel defensive because it’s just another reminder that we’re different and don’t belong.
Is it too personal? Should people stop asking?
We’re going to get into all that, but first let me explain why I’m even writing this post. I’m bringing this topic up because 1) I know many of you can relate and 2) I want to offer a different perspective, one maybe you haven’t considered, about a seemingly innocuous question.
It’s a perspective that I know I certainly hadn’t considered until I was on the receiving end of the “Where are you from question” as a foreigner living in France.
Alrighty, let’s get into it with first discussing how this question even comes up. Usually there’s some type of interaction such as with a cashier, a delivery person, someone in the park, or a random stranger who overhears a person speak. They might notice something different about us. It’s a harmless curiosity thing and the person is looking to make a connection with a stranger.
In my case, my foreign accent in French is what prompts the question.
Many times here in France, when I answer that I’m from the US, it’s a positive thing. People have regaled me with stories from their travels to NYC and LA. They want to relate and we’ve connected. It makes me happy to share a piece of where I’m from and engage with people who genuinely want to know. Sometimes I even ask them to guess where I’m from and I’m tickled when they guess Belgium or Germany.
I can safely say that in most areas of the world, the vast majority of people are just trying to be friendly and are curious. It’s nothing malicious at all and can lead to fun conversations. I’ve had many.
But… and yes, there’s always a but… sometimes, it can go beyond that when the intentions feel different, especially for people of color. When a simple question from a stranger turns into several questions that escalate to, “Where are you really from? What about your parents and grandparents?” Now we’re clearly in microaggression territory.
An Asian friend of mine — born and raised in the US — explained how insulting this question can feel. She’ll reply by saying she’s from California and how it’s often not enough to satisfy people’s curiosity and their probing questions. She’s even been complimented on her English, her native language. : :: facepalm moment :: :
I can only speak to my lived experience here on my blog, as a white woman living in France, but it’s so important to understand others’ experiences and examine our own behavior and privilege.
I know many of you can relate to the negative shift in tone and body language. It’s the difference between genuinely wanting to make a connection and being nosy or even offensive. That line is quite thin.
Even though most people are coming from a good place, asking someone where they are from because you perceive them as different is othering. It is a reminder to us that we’re different.
After you’ve gotten the question daily for weeks, it can wear on you and mess with your head. If you’re not in a good headspace and are having trouble adjusting to life abroad, it can make you feel even worse.
During my first few years in France, my own feelings and insecurities at the time played into the impact the question had on me, even if the intent was from a good place.
In the early years abroad when we aren’t sure of ourselves and our choices (not to mention not having a handle on the language or being confident in our accent as a consequence), the “where are you from” question hits differently. I hated that question my first couple of years here and I’m very careful when using it myself. It’s normal to feel singled out or even upset.
On particularly bad days, the “where are you from” question absolutely felt othering. I’d let my insecurities about my level of French and dealing with culture shock and everything that comes with starting a new life abroad take over. It was isolating and made me feel incredibly lonely.
When you hear it all the time, you stop wanting to go out and interact. You don’t want to open your mouth in French because it’s just a matter of time before someone reminds you once again that you’re not like them. Sure, we should be stronger and keep our chin up. But it’s not always so simple to tell your mind to snap out of it.
This brings me to impact versus intent. We can have the best of intentions but that won’t prevent our words or actions from being received in a way that’s negative or even hurtful. How?
Well, a Harvard Business Review article summed up the issue perfectly:
“For those of us who already feel ‘different’ in a given space, being asked where we’re from carries implicit assumptions about our race, caste, ethnicity, nationality, etc. Often, it translates into: You don’t seem to (already) belong here.
It validates existing beliefs about social identities and can be quite patronizing. For instance, following-up the question with, ‘Oh, of course’ or ‘Yes, you do look like you’re from [country]’ can force people into neat categories of race, gender, or nationality, without acknowledging the nuances of that person’s identity.”
I’ll give you one example of a situation when the othering felt really antagonistic. Years ago, I was in the park with my dog (Dagny sadly passed away last year) and ran into an older man I was friendly with who happened to be with his 9 or 10-year-old grandson. I had never met the boy before.
I said hi to the man and had a quick chitchat about our dogs. The kid then gives me an icy look, no warmth, smile or friendly curiosity. He looks at me and smirks, “You have an accent” in a tone that was so wrong. There was no question there; it was more of a statement. Let me point out he used the familiar version of “you” which is “tu.” He was old enough to know better and that adds to the dig.
I was proud of myself that I didn’t miss a beat with my reply, “Yes, I know. I’m American and English is my mother tongue. French is my second language. Do you speak any other languages?”
He ignores the question and repeats the same statement with an even bolder tone, as if it’s some kind of character flaw that he’s unearthed. I asked him if he had a question for me. Nope.
At this point, the grandfather stepped in. I was hoping it would be in a helpful teaching lesson kind of moment but he blew it. He was uncomfortable, as he should have been, and said something like, “Well, we have to get home for lunch, have a good day!”
And that was that. He didn’t take the opportunity to educate his grandson (who was old enough to know better) on how everyone is different and the beauty of other cultures. He could have explained why people have accents. But he didn’t go any of those routes. At least not in front of me.
That interaction really bothered me. As you can see I remember it word for word even now years later. Yes, he was just a kid and kids say stupid things. They don’t know any better. That’s normal and I get it. But as adults, we have an obligation to teach them what’s right and wrong. Seeing how his grandpa didn’t even step in told me a lot that day. And that was not an isolated incident.
Anyway, back then I was more affected by things. I wish I could sit here and say I’m the type of person that doesn’t ever let anything faze her and everything rolls right off my back. Or that I’m the unshakeable type. But that’s not me. I am affected by life although I’ve gotten better in that department. I don’t have emotions of steel. I feel. It’s a blessing and a curse.
Now to bring up another important point, am I saying that an innocent and well-meaning “where are you from” is hurtful or wrong to say? No. Not necessarily. But depending on the person and context and where they are mentally at that moment, it can come across as unintentionally invasive. And you might not even be aware of it.
Or in my case, it just made me sad on my worst days and reminded me I was different because it triggered my sense of belonging. I think it’s important to be mindful of that consequence.
Should we just get over it and not have any feelings? I don’t think that’s the right response. Our feelings are real and it’s worth exploring why we feel this way.
Inevitably, whenever this topic comes up, people will respond by saying things like they mean well and are just curious and being friendly. And I repeat, I think that’s the case the majority of the time.
But remember what I said about impact versus intent. Just because you think it’s an innocent question and you’re curious doesn’t mean the person you’re talking to wants to engage. You intend to have a friendly conversation but the impact is that it brings up negative feelings.
It’s not that the question is inherently wrong or inappropriate. But again, I think it’s important to be mindful of how a question can be received. Maybe there’s a better way to make small talk or approach a stranger.
Also, as always, there’s nuance. Tone and context count for so much. Approaching a stranger in line at the supermarket after hearing them speak with a pointed, “Where are you from?” out of nowhere comes off differently than a new neighbor making friendly small talk when you’re both foreigners and new to an area. For more on small talk with the French, read this.
Above all, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and the majority of people are totally nice with good intentions and just wanting to connect. I can’t repeat that enough.
But that doesn’t negate the fact that there are rude people who don’t have the best intentions in mind. They definitely exist too and I just want to validate that for anyone out there who is being told they’re making a big deal out of nothing or are being too sensitive.
I’ve been asked this question by rude, hateful people as well and it’s definitely a thing. I know you have too. Not everyone is friendly and kind.
Having a bad experience doesn’t mean I did anything to deserve it. It also doesn’t mean I misread the situation or didn’t understand the language. That’s a pretty insulting thing to say to someone after they tell you “I experienced Situation A” and your response is “You didn’t really experience Situation A. You just didn’t understand French well enough to know they were being friendly and curious.” That’s called gaslighting.
If you can relate, let me be the one to tell you that your feelings are valid. I think what it comes down to is the very real experience of how something can feel on the receiving end whether or not someone’s intentions are good. And how it’s all part of building confidence and working through a new life experience, not to mention all the emotions that come with it. And to learn how to move on and know when something isn’t worth your energy.
But you know what, then there’s a positive shift. After a while of working through it and living your life, you get to a point where you own it. You’re a foreigner. You’re different. You speak with an accent. You are who you are and you’re doing just fine, wherever you are.
These days, I don’t ask random people where they’re from. There are better questions to ask. But when the question is directed my way, I answer it with a confident smile. I know who I am and I’ll always be different. That’s most certainly a good thing.
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What’s your experience been with the question? I’d love to hear your point of view below in the comments!
I have done this before to a colleague in our NY office. I didn’t realize it was a microagression. We were talking and I asked her where her family was from, what asian heritage. I was curious what her heritage was and obviously knew she was american. I could tell this was triggering for her from her reaction. I guess coming from italian/american background we were always kind of proud of our heritage—proud to be different. When we met other italian/americans we could relate b/c our upbringing was not typical of an american upbringing. I didn’t realize that was triggering for asian people mainly b/c I think it has to do with race rather than heritage. Now I know. I clearly don’t look at people by color but many people do so I can see why it could be offensive.
Yeah it really depends on the person and situation/context for sure!
Well, how are we supposed to learn and understand someone or other cultures if we don’t ask questions? If we don’t ask questions, we would accuse of not wanting to learn about their background.
It’s more about the context and the tone, not the question necessarily. Approaching a stranger with a series of questions just to satisfy one’s curiosity is different than being at a networking group or in a social situation where people are looking to socialize with others. Just my two cents but maybe others would like to weigh in on this.
Diane, thank you for sharing .it sounds like you had a few negative experiences. A seemingly inocuous question but one that could cause some bristling.I have never been asked where I’m from on a first encounter and have been in France for 24 years. I speak French very well, but it’s accented and I have no intention of losing it.. But I used to get asked a lot in England where I emigrated to at 19 years old from South America. My parents are a mix of Indian and Moroccan. I used to reply that I was from England but then the question would change to “but where are you from really”? I used to get annoyed and reply as best I could but I got savvy after a very rude encounter telling me to return to my own country. I decided that I would change my response. So whenever I got asked again I used to reply asking how much time did they have as it was a long story and would take up too much of time. That did the trick. I love to find out about people but would never ask the question on the first encounter..
Best wishes
Kameela
Thank you for sharing your experience, Kameela!
My heart sings when reading the end of this blog. Excellent, own who you are Diane! You are a beautiful, intelligent person in and out, who has built a life in France despite many challenges, who understands and is able to communicate and LIVE in a different language ( which, if you ask around, you may be surprised to find no one capable to do that). Don’t think for one moment why a person would ask where are you from or whether they have good or bad intentions. It is irrelevant and it gives you an unnecessary heartache. Even if they have good intentions and want to connect with you, it is the wrong way to start any conversation. It is superficial and again, completely irrelevant. People who really want to learn about your native language/culture don’t learn it in line at the supermarket.
I’ve lived in California for 25 years and there are still people asking me where I am from on a daily basis. These days I just smile and tell them that it is a personal matter that I don’t quite want to discuss with them. How about talking about the weather or the parking situation? Or the sale of an item in the store? Usually, they get the message. Others are trying to convince me that their intentions were good or just want to make small talk so what’s the deal? Which makes things worse for them.
I am totally unbothered these days. I know who I am, I know I will always have my accent, and I can’t be on everyone’s liking. I am glad you too got to that place. Congratulations, you have arrived where you belong.
Thanks so much, Niculina! Glad you’re in the “owning it” phase as well!
I am quilty of asking this question many times. I love hearing the accents of others. For me it isn’t meant to be rude. I love learning of other languages and cultures. I love travel. I love learning about areas I haven’t been. That being said, I do not want to offend anyone. So is there a proper way to question without coming across in an offensive matter? I have always enjoyed other cultures and I learn so much from conversations. I then look up the areas to learn more. It is an educational thing for me. I am proud to be able to talk with the person.
Thank you for giving us your perspective on this topic and I hope you won’t mind if I answer your question. Here is how I’d liked to be approached by a person who is genuinely interested in my native culture and the place I come from. You may say something like “I noticed that you have a unique accent, would you mind sharing with me where are you from? I am a person who loves traveling and learning about other cultures. I am originally from…and I moved to this area in…” or something along these lines. You must first share where are you coming from first before asking a stranger to share the same information with you. Otherwise, it will come across as intrusive and interrogating regardless of your intentions. Also, be prepared to accept their refusal and don’t further insist. Some people escape terrible atrocities and want to leave that part of their life behind. Others are still afraid of being chased by hostile governments and are very reluctant to share any personal information in any setting. Each person has a unique situation and because of that, is never a good idea to ask this question.
I am also a person who loves traveling and learning about other cultures, however, I read, visit, and immerse myself in local cultures when I travel to other areas. There are other ways to satisfy my curiosity without interrogating people every time when I get the chance. My personal philosophy is that if a person wants to share something personal with me, they’ll do it without me asking. That way I never come across as nosy or impolite.
I hope you’ll get a better understanding of why this question, although may appear inoffensive, it is actually not one that should be asked out of the blue.
Hi Debra, to answer your question, let me first say I don’t have all the answers and that it will largely depend on the context of the situation.
My ground rules are to never start a convo blindly with where are you from and never if it’s a random impersonal interaction where I’ll never see the person again like a doctor’s waiting room, line at the grocery store, etc.
I think if we have rapport with someone a little bit and they seem open to a chat, asking someone more about their background might be an OK way to open the conversation.
And to approach it with no expectation, so if someone says, “I’m from xyz” even if they don’t look/sound like they are, to not force the issue to try to prove anything or have it come across like an interrogation. Not saying you would ever do this, but I’m saying in general the “where are you really from” questions that go on and on especially for people of color get into the micro aggression territory.
I also think that my wanting to make conversation or have my curiosity answered never trumps someone’s right to privacy and peace when it comes to “where are you from” so if I make conversation with someone, it’s probably more like “what’s the best drink to get here” to someone in line at a coffee shop or something that has nothing to do with their race/nationality/etc.
Just my 2 cents!
My wife is from Copenhagen Denmark. People tell me that she has an accent, although I cannot hear it. We’ve been married 55 years and every once in a while people ask her “where are you from.?”. she one time got so upset with it, but she said “Minnesota.” The person said “oh I understand that is where there is a lot of Scandinavians in Minnesota. My wife said “yes I guess that’s where I got my accent.” His comment was “I knew it”.
OH man, I can definitely understand your wife’s frustration but love her explanation!
As a White English woman I know experience the privileged end of questions about my accent or where I am from (I live in Ohio, U.S.) and how perceptions of me as an immigrant are seen more positively. I’ve only experienced kind curiosity but I know that for others that question is not meant in good faith or comes from a place of implicit bias (or sometimes outright racism). This post was great to help educate further about how biases and microaggressions creep in and to recognize them in ourselves (hopefully before) we say anything. Thanks for this!
Glad you enjoyed it, Molly! Thank you for reading
I’m from Pittsburgh, and although I don’t have a Pittsburgh/Western PA accent because my parents weren’t from there, I can tell a person from Pittsburgh the minute they open their mouths. I can’t help asking someone if they’re from Pittsburgh, but it’s out of the joy of connection. I’m a little leery because even though studies have shown that the accent transcends all economic and educational levels, I feel that some people would be offended or embarrassed. I’m sorry it’s perceived that way, because I truly want to connect to anyone from my hometown.
You have to be careful and assess the person and the situation. I once was boarding a canal boat inside the magnificent, huge Grand Ole Opry facility, and the man boarding us was jolly and joking and definitely from Pittsburgh. I asked; we connected. Another time I was at lunch with a person I’d never met, and although she was quite pleasant, I just didn’t feel it was the right question to ask. I guess you would have to say “Read the room.”
Here in SW France there are so many expats, it’s just a normal question asked out of curiosity. When we lived in Paris, we were in the 11th, a working-class arrondissement. My French was bad, and people were so pleasant and helpful. Having a big, fluffy Golden Retriever helped! Nobody told me to go home!
Absolutely, it’s all about reading the room. There are so many more interesting ways to start up a convo someone than “where are you from” I think. And also glad to hear no one has told you to go home. Your dog sounds sweet ;-)) I love the golden retriever social media accounts I follow.
Such an interesting post! I never even thought about all the ways to look and interpret that question. I have lived in 8 different countries for most of my adult life and must have answered that question hundreds of times but have, never experienced it as anything but interest and curiosity from the person who asked. I am Dutch, married to an American and we now live in France (Languedoc). We are both white and have lived in both Africa and Asia, where of course we stood out quite a bit! And yes, we have always been different and always sound different and that is fine with us. Sadly, we even feel ‘foreign’ now in our home countries as we don’t seem to fit in anymore (so here we are in France 😉 !