Whatever happened to connecting with other human beings in a meaningful way? The more I look around, the more I see people in it for themselves and glued to their phones. Lost in their careers and even in their personal lives. Friendships can easily become one-sided, friendly coffee dates with your girlfriends keep getting postponed, people stop calling and emailing or are always distracted.
Do we care anymore?
There’s something I’ve noticed since being in France. It’s that French strangers and acquaintances NEVER (ok very rarely) give compliments.
Maybe it’s just my perception, but come on! A compliment shows you care! Taking five seconds out of your day to let someone know their work, advice, clothing, or whatever is great can make a world of difference to them. So why are we too caught up in our own lives to say a few magic words to other human beings that are most definitely worthy of our time? Life is too short!
So let’s get to it and talk about compliments.
Some of us are more comfortable giving and receiving compliments than others. I understand that, and not every situation is suited for random compliments. Sometimes giving a compliment takes a bit of courage, but if you’re on the receiving end of a compliment, it’s easy! All you have to do is say thank you. Here I’m going to focus on the other group — those giving the compliment.
How many times have you run into someone while out and loved something about that person? Happens frequently to me. Maybe it’s a cashier who is always in a pleasant mood. Or a gym instructor who always gives his all. Maybe it’s a woman’s style you admire at work.
Do you verbalize what you’re thinking?
If not, why not?
If you say nothing, nothing changes. Not for you and not for the person you’re speaking with.
If you think a friend looks great, why not tell her? Keeping it to yourself is pointless. But actually complimenting her? You’ve just given her a boost. If she thought she was having a bad hair day, you just let her know that she’s not, and if she was already feeling great about her new haircut, well you just reassured her that it looks great and the money spent at the salon was worth it. And you feel great that you made someone else’s day a little better.
Why not let people know you see them?
I firmly believe that putting positivity out into the world only creates more of it, so why not be a part of that?
One caveat. Make sure the compliment is sincere.
You can see right through hollow compliments, so don’t compliment people for the sake of complimenting them. But if someone has been working really hard and you notice it’s paying off, say something! Now if you’re a guy and you go up to a random female stranger, flash a smile, and tell her you like her jeans, that may be creepy. I’m not talking about that sort of compliment. 😉
Like author Dale Carnegie says, “The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.” So make someone feel important!
Why don’t some people like giving compliments? Why do some people never do it?
Maybe it makes them uncomfortable or their ego gets in the way. Or they’re jealous of the person they’re complimenting. Or it’s a cultural difference. Who knows.
I mentioned in a recent post that I can’t remember a single instance in France where someone (other than Tom or my in-laws) gave me a compliment… on anything. Over the past 4 years, something about me had to have been compliment worthy?
But I do remember the last time I gave a compliment.
It was a few weeks ago when I told a woman in BODYCOMBAT that I liked her nails. She got a French manicure for her wedding and it’s not super common to see French women with decked out nails. They looked wonderful and I told her! She was happy to hear it!
Other times when I’ve given someone a compliment about something they’re wearing, they’ve seemed surprised that I’d speak up about their pants or shoes. These are all acquaintances I see in the gym. A woman smiled nervously and I don’t even think muttered a merci after I told her I liked her pants.
I think American friendliness plays into this as well. We like to chitchat and make small talk more than the French, in general. We’re happy to strike up a conversation with someone in line at Target. It’s only natural. A compliment is a great icebreaker. Complimenting a perfect stranger isn’t that far of a reach in the US. But the French? Well, they tend to keep to themselves more.
So here’s my challenge for you today.
Take a few extra seconds and let someone know that you’ve noticed them. You’ve noticed their positive attitude, you’ve noticed their work ethic, their new shoes, or whatever it may be. It doesn’t have to be in a fawning, over-the-top way. Be sincere. Let the compliment just flow.
Say something, anything, because at the very least, it’ll give the person a little boost for the next part of their day and at most? It might do so much more.
I notice a big difference between the Midwest, where I grew up, New York City, and France. In the Midwest, people give compliments, but mostly to those they know. In NYC, people say what they think. I was trying on clothes, and came out of the cabin to look in the 3-way mirror. Another woman said, “You looked great in the other one. Buy it.” Then some other woman agreed! But you’re more likely to get a smile or approving eyebrows than outright praise.
My French friends do give compliments. “I love X dress of yours” or “you’re lucky you have good arms” or “I love when you cook X.” But strangers? No.
Yes, I think there are major differences between the frequency of compliments in big cities vs. little towns and then strangers vs. people who actually know you well. It was just strange to me in France that strangers and acquaintances don’t’ really compliment each other because that was commonplace back in the US for me!
I can relate so well to this article! I spent my childhood and most of my teenage years in France and compliments were scarce, especially the ones related to physical appearances. As you may know French schools tend to focus mainly on what is wrong and what is right is taken for granted, the good thing is that it doesn’t breed a generation of lazy students who feel entitled to anything (as I can see in the English speaking countries), but the other side of the medal is a rather low level of self confidence. It is said and well accepted in France that “le francais est jaloux”, I am not sure where this come from either, but perhaps this suggests that when you see someone who displays something you admire the first reaction is going to be envy rather than praise. And so growing up in this negativity one can become quite suspicious of positive words! I remember when I moved abroad and people started calling me pretty! It made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I thought that they were just being fake… Maybe this is what happened to the woman you gave a compliment to! Now I am more used to praise and it’s nice and doesn’t cost anything. However I can see more compliments given by the new French generation on social media, maybe it’s the anglo saxon influence that is rubbing off (although my Italian and Spanish friends are not shy on saying “guapa”, “bellissima” to each other, so yes, just a French negative trait).
Very interesting, thank you for the insight, Anna. What you’ve said makes a lot of sense especially the part about the focus on what is wrong in school. That type of mentality starts very young and stays with you through life.
What an interesting post Diane. I had not realized that the French do not generally compliment others because my French is not quite up to understanding most rapid conversations. I wonder what Tom’s views are on this subject? Here in the UK, nowadays it seems pupils are praised for even a mediocre performance at school and to some extent protected against failure. (I agree with Anna’s comment about entitlement) I feel this constant praising does not equip them well to cope with life. Don’t get me wrong, constant negativity is just as bad, a balance is needed.
In day to day life, I will compliment a stranger rarely, usually if an older woman is dressed stylishly… but friends and family for sure. Last week an ex colleague of mine told me I was looking well, I accepted his compliment with thanks and yes, it did make me feel good.
Well, it’s not that the French don’t ever give compliments but it’s mostly among people they know. Like small talk isn’t as common in general so it would be seen as strange to tell a woman you like her shoes if she’s in front of you in line at the supermarket in France. Tom and I talked about this over lunch and he said it all goes back to the public vs. private sphere. To comment on someone’s appearance (someone you don’t know) by saying you like their haircut or their watch, would be crossing into the personal category and it’s not as socially acceptable. Now it’s different if you know the person, like a colleague at work or a good friend.
Ah this is a great post Diane ! I think that compliments from the heart can really help another person. I have several very dear friends in France. We always give compliments from the heart to each other. It’s amazing because it really has brought out the very best in our friendships. Compliments can also help a person to see their own creativity and bring their ideas into form ! It’s amazing to see something that was a thought turn into a piece of art, photo, poetry, music or clothing ! You go girl !
Thank you, you raise some good points. Compliments can inspire for sure!
I am one to compliment people if I see a person who looks really nice in what they are wearing while out shopping I will tell them I think they look good, I don’t have to know the person, generally I don’t know them I am one who will ring companies and give feedback when they bring out a new product if I love it I say so if I don’t I say so feedback is good and compliments are good too.
Would you say giving strangers compliments is common in Aussie culture? Like Americans, do Aussies make small talk with people in line at stores or are they more reserved?
When I lived in Chicago it was totally normal to tell a stranger you like her shoes or ask where she got her purse, and it was so fun to get a random compliment like that! There have been times in France when I wanted to tell someone on the metro that I really liked her outfit, earrings, etc. but I didn’t dare say anything because it’s so not done in France! It’s true now that I think about it, that even acquaintances seemed to be caught a little off guard with compliments.
Lovely post. I have always had a problem with assertiveness and part of that problem is feeling awkward when giving compliments and wondering how people will take them. I wish I could more easily pay compliments to people.
Thanks Holly, are you more concerned with people thinking you aren’t being sincere or that you want something from them? I think that if you start small with people you know and let the compliments flow naturally, you’ll get used to it little by little.