Have you ever had one of those days that just crushes you? You’re stressed, overwhelmed, and about to lose it and all you can do is sit on the couch in your pajamas and stare at a wall? An old college friend used to call her meltdowns “mini flip outs” and I had one last week. Your to-do lists, obligations, fears, sadness, whatever, all gets balled up into an unmanageable weight, but that’s another post. This post is about getting out from under that and weathering the storm. Onward and forward into a new, better 2019…
Credit: Shutterstock.com / lzf
You know that saying that you’re your own worst enemy? I’m convinced it’s true. I get fixated on something in my mind — a goal, a dream, a plan — and then make up a bunch of reasons about why it’s not possible and how I’ve already failed before I’ve even started. Or instead of focusing on all the positives, I get hung up on the one negative or stressful thing that’s in my head and don’t take any action forward.
My own voice is sometimes the worst voice. How do you stay strong when you feel like there’s too much on your plate? What would you attempt if you knew you wouldn’t fail? Think about that for a second.
I’ve let fear talk me out of things I shouldn’t even have to be talked into in the first place. It can stall even the best ideas and well thought out plans. Even if we’re not consciously fearing something, the emotion seeps into our psyche a little at a time in various ways so that the end result is the same — we don’t try and push ourselves in the direction we so desperately need to go. We ignore the things we want and put them off until that perfect moment comes along. But maybe the time is now and today is the day to make the first move.
Even if we're not consciously fearing something, the emotion seeps into our psyche a little at a time in various ways so that the end result is the same -- we don't try and push ourselves in that direction we so desperately need to go. Click To TweetI never really had this fear until I moved to France. I wasn’t scared to move here although my life had a lot going for it back in NYC. The thought of a new life in France was something that energized me.
Big life changes have a way of shaking things up and giving you clear head space to think about things a little too much. Maybe I was too busy back in NYC to focus on myself. Or maybe big life changes go hand in hand with getting older, wiser, and attempting to gain clarity on what you want for yourself and your life.
Credit: Shutterstock.com / Claire McAdams
“The one who falls and gets up is stronger than the one who never tried. Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.”
–Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
So let me ask you again… what would you attempt if you knew you wouldn’t fail?
Would you live your life differently and why or why not? Even if we don’t consciously think we’ll fail, we throw up all kinds of road blocks that keep us from moving forward and going after what we want.
Why do we do this and how can we stop?
I’ve done a whole lot of trying the past couple of years. The fear of failure is probably somewhere in my mind but what personally affects me the most is fear of the unknown and the what-ifs and the lack of control. Mini flip-out here I come…
It’s when I don’t focus on the now and the reality and the issue at hand that things seem to become unmanageable. I fast forward a bit and think about all the things that *could* go wrong. But I’m working on it.
And I guess it’s only normal. Tell me it’s normal.
It’s incredibly scary to feel like you’re not in control so you try to play out all kinds of scenarios in your head so nothing catches you off guard…. if you make that move, buy a house, take a new job, start that new business. We can’t control every outcome in life and we certainly have no control over how others are going to react. But it’s worth it to pursue what you want anyway because living a stagnant life that never ventures outside of our comfort zone isn’t really living.
Credit (feature image, Pinterest graphic, and above): Shutterstock.com / Julia Karo
Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I moved to France to confront the fear of the unknown head on and give myself what life in New York was lacking. New energy, new challenges, new everything. But 7 years later, has going through life’s ups and downs gotten any easier? Do I deal with that fear any better after trying new things? Am I less scared and more in control? Have I learned anything?
Oh yes. I’ve found out who my true friends are. I’ve come to understand the importance of family more than ever. I’ve reflected on my time in France and some of it surprised me. I’ve also experienced so many firsts in France. I started this blog. I’ve rebooted my YouTube channel, launched a shop, and so many things about blogging and life abroad have taken me out of my comfort zone, which was the whole point. At my core, I’m the same deeply sensitive person I’ve always been — just with some new skills that I never would have acquired if I stayed in the USA.
I think I’ve made progress.
To get back to Roy T. Bennett’s quote above, I’ve led a life full of opportunity, love, and privilege. I keep my head above water even when I feel like I can’t. Maybe success isn’t about having nice things, fancy titles, and a long list of achievements. Maybe it’s appreciating the little things, the comfort in our routine, and feeling good about how we make others feel. It’s enough.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about success. In all honestly, the past couple of years have been incredibly challenging for me. It feels like I’ve done more failing in the past two years than I’d done in my entire life up until that point. Death, cancer, health challenges, professional challenges, financial stress, loss, self-doubt, anxiety…. for me as well as those close to me.
How do we stay strong for ourselves and others while we’re in the middle of the storm? How do we slap all the crap floating around square in the face?
Credit: Shutterstock.com / PopTika
Life can throw us into a black hole that’s the exact opposite of that light at the end of the tunnel. It kills me to see those around me suffering. Strangely enough, I still felt hopeful through it all even if moments were rough. I kept getting up, taking care of what I was able to, controlled what energy and mood I brought to a situation and did my best to support others. I believe that things end up working out.
And today, after getting through most of the storm and looking back at 2018, I can see things looking up for a change.
I don’t hold the answers, but I think that the act of trying is so important — no matter how small the effort. The day we stop trying is the day we lose a part of ourselves. To try is to have hope and to put a piece of you out into the world. To try is to be brave. We persevere in the hope that things will go our way, and if they don’t, we hope like hell we can find the strength to try again. We at least learn something along the way.
To not try is to admit defeat. You’re better than that and better than letting some made-up fear win. We’re so much more than what our mind fears even if in the moment it doesn’t feel like it. Our efforts are worth something. Holding onto hope is worth something, even if it’s all that you have. Because one day, we’ll look back and realize the reflection in the rear-view mirror helped us get here.
We might not be on top of the world and where we want to be yet, but putting one foot in front of the other shows strength and that’s got to count for something. It has to.
Here’s to a bright 2019 full of everything good in the world!
PIN IT:
I love you Diane for the simple reason that you are exactly doing what I’ve always wanted to do if I weren’t scared enough of the unknown. It’s been 3 years and I am still undecided whether to leave everything behind and move to the place of my childhood dream. But who knows, maybe I could find that courage this year. And then, one day, I’d meet you in France.
I wish the New Year would bring you more courage to pursue what your heart desires now as I wish the same to myself.
Thank you so much! You are such an inspiration. 🙂
Hi Maricel, you’re too kind. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that our time on this earth is far too short. If you have a childhood dream, try to get to the root of what’s holding you back and then take one step, no matter how small, to move toward it. I always remind myself that we’re never stuck and as long as we try (and take reasonable steps to get there, save money, plan, research, etc.), it’s never a failure. Challenges will always present themselves whether we stay or go, try or don’t try, but I think working through them is where we learn the most. So there’s no easy answer… but I think your heart will lead you the way you want to go. Sending you some virtual courage for 2019!
xx
I know exactly what you mean!! It’s so easy to get overwhelmed by the big picture and even just the day to day life stuff. I love how you’re tackling each thing & moving forward. Every morning brings a fresh start and a new day. I tell myself I don’t have to repeat what happened yesterday if it didn’t make me happy. Here’s to a great 2019!
Happy New Year, Jess! I knew you’d understand. I can’t even imagine with all your new changes… A baby in a move back to the USA. I just keep trying to move forward no matter how small. One day at a time and really hoping for a fantastic 2019! Cheers!
Hi Diane,
You’ve got that right – putting one foot in front of the other everyday is the best thing one can do. That’s how one crawls from underneath of a huge burden.
I’ve always believed that time is the supreme validator of everything. Only time will tell whether one decision I made was the right one for me or not or whether something I did was good or bad. Meanwhile, most of the times I followed my heart as my main compass in life. Like you, I’ve had moments of fear and anxiety flare ups after I became an expat. For many years I had this feeling that I was climbing this very tall mountain and I was becoming increasingly exhausted without seeing an end to this climb. I felt hopeless, like I would never get over the top. I didn’t really want to turn around but I also didn’t feel like I have enough strength to go to the top either. I can’t quite remember what eventually got me out of that feeling, but at some point I felt like I was finally over the top. .It was like all that heaviness disappeared and I could finally breathe easier. I suppose that time did its magic and eventually brought me over the hump. Patience always pays off.
My wish for you is that 2019 will bring you a sense of relief and hope after so many days of struggle. That you’ll find courage and strength to pursue your desires. And that you’ll follow your heart because it is the only one which you can always rely on.
Happy New Year!
Hi Niculina, thank you for sharing and commenting! That hopeless feeling was all too familiar for me in 2018, and touched so many areas of my life. That feeling like you said of getting over the top and that heaviness lifting is the best feeling in the world. When that happens, I can literally breathe easier. Thank you for your 2019 wishes. ;-))
Beautiful post, Diane, It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul on the internet ! It’s great that you did because many other people do feel the same way. They just don’t have the courage to voice it out of fear of being ridiculed. In order to be truly happy we have to let that fear go even if we never voice it on a public level. Living a rich and fulfilled life is about quality. It takes time to accomplish goals because it takes time to develop an education,skill,craft or talent. These things and their results do not come overnight. What people often look at as failure is actually growth. That’s why so many people give up on their hearts desires. When I came through my serious illness I made the choice to return to dance. I did this to gain control of my body once again. I also wanted to help others with the same physical challenges. One thing I learned was that there will always be disapointments it doesn’t mean that you give up or lose hope. It is amazing what happens when we clear the mind, relax, let go and don’t overthink any situation ! That is when true direction and guidance can indeed come into our lives ! Lots of love, hugs and best wishes in the coming year !
I appreciate that, Cynthia. I was so happy to hear you returned to dance and use what you’ve been through to help others. I think that’s the only way. Thank you for being a part of my community. I always enjoy reading your comments!
The best words of wisdom I ever received were when someone much older and wiser told me, “You don’t regret the things you’ve done, you regret the things you haven’t done.” So good for you for doing, trying, reaching, stretching. Bon courage !
And by the way, your blog is awesome.
Very true, Keith. Thank you and all the best in 2019!
Happy New Year to both you and Tom, Diane! Speaking of getting up again, I, our son visiting from Texas, and now my husband are getting over one of those nasty gastrointestinal viruses–aarrgghh! You have accomplished so much, but sometimes it’s easy to be afraid of failure. I retired from teaching elementary art 4 years ago, but I decided that just sewing/making for myself needed to extend to hopefully helping others. This week I start volunteer teaching a group of women immigrants from Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Nepal sewing and craft skills. I have more than a little angst, but ideas and projects are coming together and I’m really looking forward to it!
As for our dream of moving to France, it’s still there but we have a very tenuous elderly parents issue going on now. I still look up apartments on Logic Immo a few times a week just to see what’s out there, though. It will happen, just not as fast as we’d like. We have been reading your blog for several years and you are an inspiration to us! Hope that gives you a major boost. oh, and happy birthday, too!
Oh man, Penny. I hope everyone feels better. Sicknesses have the worst timing! I woke up on my birthday with a case of pink eye in both eyes, so yeah, my New Year’s celebrations were limited as well. Ugh.
That is so cool that you’ve put your sewing skills to good use. I’m sure the women you teach love your classes. I think it’s so important to be productive and to help others.
Appreciate your kind words. 😉
This is a lovely and timely post Diane. I have just had one of those days. After a busy two weeks in early December visiting family and friends in the UK and Xmas preparations here in France I think it got to me yesterday after a huge Sunday lunch for 14. I could not get out of bed. I tried and then tried again and gave in at the third attempt. This year has been a big year for us moving to France permanently after toing and froing for 19 years. Our dream come true and it has been mostly great so far as we have a great network of friends. But I am burdening myself with worry what if my husband falls il in the middle of the night? Will I be able to cope? I am a retired nurse! It seems irrational as I have always lived outside my comfort zone. I moved to the UK when I was 18 years old and lived there for many years and am now living here. I have discussed it with my husband and he says It’s pointless worrying. Easier said than done. He was quite ill two years ago while still in the UK but is really quite well now and I am trying to work through this by telling.myself that we have health care cover and it will be ok. Deal with it if and when it aises but it is keeps me awake sometimes. I have enjoyed reading this post and I have taken some inspiration to keep trying. Hopefully I will get there. So thank you and all the very best for 2019. Keep moving forward no matter what
Hi Kameela!
I hear you about it being easier said than done. Sometimes our body or mind reacts in a way we just can’t control. I’m sure you didn’t want to stay in bed but that’s how it goes sometimes. I understand the worry.
I’m so happy that you enjoyed this post…. take a small step each day and you’ll get there. Thanks for reading!
I am generally my own worse enemy, I am harder on me then anyone else is , learning to be kind to me is hard
It’s crazy that we’re like that, isn’t it? I hope it’s a goal of yours in 2019 to be kinder to yourself. You deserve it!!
Dear Diane,
Thank you for this honest post, and I can totally relate, and yes, stuff you write about is totally normal! I can relate completely on getting falling and getting back up, and trying again. A couple of last years have been brutal in terms of experiencing failures, panic and anxiety attacks (pretty sure it’s the internet and media now-a-days that contributes to our state of being), trying to meet good people, or just seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. You’re not alone.
I think it’s hard to get back up when people around us and media and the internet work their best to demoralize us. That kills our hope before we even get started on our dreams. Also, when we get older, our bodies change. Yes, we become wiser but hormones are not as intense than they were when we were 16 — people are (perhaps) more relaxed but a lot more risk-averse. This is totally normal, though. I talk to friends who are incredibly successful in their careers and who’d just like to move jobs but afraid. It’s definitely not just you.
Life in NYC is exciting, brimming with possibilities, but it’s a hard city to live in and not that forgiving. Living in a small town allows a lot of time for introspection, and there’s that safety net, and our comfort zone and our families but what about hope or possibilities?
And to be fair, it’s much easier to get back up and try again in a city with a multitude of possibilities than in a small town where not much changes, ever, and where there are no possibilities.
There’s noting wrong with stagnant life. I can’t implement those big huge changes in three weeks, so I learned how to appreciate what’s here and right now, and not compare myself to other people’s (fake) lives. Ideally, I’d want love and stability of a small town with possibilities and hope of a big city.
What makes me feel stuck is this crippling fear I’d have to make a choice. Give up something I love and that I learned to appreciate, and giving that up forever so that I could get that “maybe” (not guaranteed) chapter 2.0 of a new life. But honestly, these are incredibly hard existential questions that have no easy answers, and I learned not to ruminate on them or compare myself to others. Don’t be hard on yourself thinking you have to figure this out STAT, these changes are incremental, and they happen gradually, not all in one go.
Also, there’s nothing wrong to admit defeat once in a while. I think we could re-frame failure as a thing that helps us try out new things and see what’s not working, instead of thinking we have to get it done right in 3 days which is ruminative and self-destructive.
Baby steps.
Things will work out.
All the best to you in 2019!
Hi Leonie, thank you for such a personal comment. You’ve brought up so many great points.
A few things I wanted to touch on:
What you said at the end about baby steps and that things will work out is something I hold on to, always have. It’s so much more manageable to think about something when all you have to do is take that first small step. Just something to move ourselves forward. You mentioned crippling fear and it’s so nuts how we get into this headspace, isn’t it? To give you an example, a goal of mine for last year was to get back on YouTube and I finally did it, but I thought “oh no, I have no background in video editing or being on camera, I don’t have great equipment. People won’t watch my videos. No no no.” And then I broke it all down and forced myself to rationally look at each one of my objections (coming from a place of fear, most of them). I literally wrote down rational responses disproving what I was telling myself, so for “people won’t watch my videos” i wrote down “look at your past videos. You got good feedback. Keep going.” and about not having great equipment, I rationally knew I had equipment that worked — not top of the line but functional — and that was all I needed to get started.
So baby steps….
And when I mentioned being stagnant, I in no means meant that staying in a small town or something like that isn’t living or is a stagnant way to be. My apologies if that came across the wrong way. I live in a small town and am a homebody. 😉 I just meant stagnant ways of thinking or going about day to day things in our routine. Like mental blocks and the inability to make changes for ourselves, no matter how small.
The other thing you brought up which is so true is the role of the media around us. From social media to advertising to everything, it’s so pervasive these days and absolutely contributes to an anxious state full of the comparison game. I try to be mindful of the content I put out there but know full well that having a blog contributes to the noise, but I think the pros outweigh the cons.
I’m reading a book now that mentions the role of social media in recent years and what it’s done to society.
Anyway, thank you again for reading. Appreciate your comment. 😉
“Tell me I’m normal.”
Yes, Diane, you are normal!
Thank you for your enthusiasm and commitment. Thank you for your care for others. Thank you for bothering!
From a British ex-pat in France to an American ex-Pat in France,
Thank you.
BTW, I’m female. My nickname’s Barney. The reason is in the meaning of the name of Barnabas (who features strongly in the book of Acts in the Bible)