When we think of moving abroad to France, many of us associate it with living a dreamy life full of travel, effortlessly picking up the French language, making tons of French friends, and escaping everything we hated about wherever we lived before. It seems like life in France is thought of as a golden ticket of sorts and is a cure for everything that ails us back home. But the reality of living abroad isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s not for everyone. And I call BS on anyone who says otherwise.
Let me start off by saying I have zero regrets about moving to France. I think it’s one of my best life decisions.
Have there been challenging times? For sure. Do I miss things from home? Hell yes. Have I doubted myself? Absolutely. Do I think about what my life could have been back in NYC? Sometimes. Have I had bad days? Lots.
But when I have a calm, clear head and think about the past decade-ish, have I seriously ever regretted the move? Not for second.
If I realized that life in France wasn’t for me, I would have moved a long time ago. The pros outweigh the cons and until that changes, you know where to find me.
Now that aside, the reason I’m writing this is because it’s always been important to me to show that living abroad isn’t always perfect. That’s because life isn’t perfect.
If you’re on this planet long enough, you’re going to experience challenges and hard times. Living abroad doesn’t make you immune to the more difficult things we go through as human beings. And quite frankly, I’m so OVER content that paints life abroad as a constant highlight reel.
I want to make sure you’re researching your move to France with your eyes wide open. It’s easy to figuratively plug your ears with your fingers and say “la la la la” in the face of anyone who wants to have a more nuanced conversation of life abroad and the challenges you may face. But I urge you to open your ears and mind because you’ll only be better prepared after reading posts like this.
One thing to remember is that what we see on social media about living abroad skews positive because people who hate living abroad or are really struggling don’t start YT channels and Tiktok accounts to talk about their life. People judge, criticize, and can make us feel worse when we’re already lower than low.
So that’s why the content we see is from people who genuinely enjoy the living abroad experience. That’s what we hear the loudest, which makes it seem like living abroad is the answer to a happy life, and maybe more importantly, if we’re not 100% happy all of the time in France, that we’ve somehow failed at this whole living abroad thing. Both are damaging mindsets.
There’s a bias toward painting life abroad with a positive brush, and I show all the positives time and time again, but it should never be at the expense of glossing over the reality.
I wouldn’t be doing the living abroad experience any justice if all I did was sing France’s praises without leaving room for anything else. I don’t work for tourism agencies or have any skin in the game when it comes to whether you move to France or not. I work for you, the reader, in a sense and I just want you to be prepared.
The reality is that life can be hard sometimes. Living abroad adds an additional layer of challenges. No one is happy all of the time with everything. And if you’re thinking of living abroad in France long term, I think it’s SO important to seek out content that provides a nuanced view… and to go a step further, content from people who don’t enjoy living abroad and have maybe moved on from France or even moved back to their home country.
Living abroad in France is not for everyone and that’s OK. There is no singular “right” way to live. People who stay close to home aren’t any better or worse off than those of us who end up far, far away. We all face challenges and we all struggle. No judgment. We’re all doing the best we can.
If you are considering a move abroad, I know it’s easy to want to “stay positive” and only look at romanticized content that validates your decision to move abroad. But I’d argue it’s even more important to be aware of the possible challenges you’ll face. You’ll either realize you may not be compatible with life abroad or you’ll be better prepared to deal with the challenges that arise because they won’t catch you by surprise.
I also want to be clear about something. This post isn’t meant to deter you from pursuing a life abroad in France or elsewhere, so if you feel defensive reading this, take a step back. I’m not trying to crush any dreams. I’m trying to get you to open your eyes wide enough to make an informed decision.
Why? Because I get emails and DMs — not to mention all the YT comments I see — from people who have their head in the clouds about what it takes to move abroad to France. I’m not just talking about logistical stuff like visas and the nuts and bolts of moving your belongings, but people who are ready to move abroad without considering the emotional aspects of doing so and have done very little research. So many people believe these misconceptions and aren’t familiar with what France is really like.
I hope you understand where I’m coming from with this post. So with that….
Here are some not-so-great aspects of moving abroad:
-People will not always understand your motivations to move abroad. Some people will be happy for you but others will feel sad, jealous, hurt, left behind, or even angry and have no qualms about telling you as much. All I can say is that you know what’s right for you and you have to live your life. It’s too short to let others hold you back.
-You will lose people you never thought you’d lose. Relationships change with time and distance and loved ones die. No, this one isn’t specific to living abroad but it is something those of us living abroad do seem to deal with a whole heck of a lot. Being so far away from everyone we used to know and see often can add strain to a relationship or even dissolve it entirely. You learn right away who your real friends and family are. Of course this goes both ways and we need to make an effort to keep in touch with our loved ones just as much as they make an effort for us.
-Some people don’t do well with change. If you’re super set in your ways and your routine and have a tight-knit professional/personal network back home, adjusting to life abroad can be brutal. The same goes for Type A personalities who are used to being in control. All that goes out the window once you move and feel like a 5-year-old in an adult body. The first few years can be tough because you’ll need to come to terms with feeling like a fish out of water.
–You will have bad days, feel out of place and dumb for not knowing how to do basic tasks. You’ll feel in limbo. You’ll get frustrated with the language. Loneliness may creep in. Your emotions are on a rollercoaster in the early days and this is all normal, but be prepared for it.
-You will miss things from back home…. your loved ones, the milestones and parties you aren’t there for, the holidays, and all sorts of little things you didn’t think mattered much. People move forward without you and you will do the same without them. Read that again.
Now if after hearing all of that, you’re thinking, “Nah, not me. I’ll be fine. I’m not going to have any issues,” and you’re heading over to Air France to buy your one-way ticket now, you are being naïve.
Your strength isn’t thinking that you won’t have any bad days abroad. It’s accepting that things WILL be hard at some point and learning how to be resilient enough to overcome these obstacles.
Take a sec to put on the brakes and really think about it. If you live abroad long enough, you will face challenges, so take time to consider that. That’s just life. Are you cut out to deal with them in culture and language that is not your own?
Again, that’s not to say DON’T MOVE!. That’s not what I’m saying. But I am saying to think about your motivations to move and prepare yourself ahead of time. Don’t underestimate the weight that these challenges may have on you, especially when you’re not in the comfort of your own country, practices, language, and culture.
Something I like to remind myself of is that two things can be true at the same time. You can love your life abroad, know it was the best choice for you, and still struggle sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
Losing my mom was one of the most difficult human experiences I’ve ever gone through. Watching someone you love waste away from cancer is hard regardless, but it was even worse because I was so far away. Also, because of Covid, I couldn’t leave France (long story short, I made it before she died and will be forever grateful that I had that time with my mom before she passed away).
None of the hard “life problems” are France’s fault, let me be clear about that. But when you’re tackling them through the lens of a different culture and language and life situation, they can feel insurmountable.
Here’s what hasn’t made the highlight reel:
-Losing multiple loved ones in a short period of time and being scared of losing even more people.
-Feeling anxiety for the first time in my life.
-Losing a bit of innocence and realizing that life can be reallllllly tough and wondering if your best years are behind you.
-Being consumed by so much grief that you’re scared you won’t ever go “back to normal”
-Workplace drama
-Wondering if family members’ health conditions will ever improve
-Being on the receiving end of verbal abuse from doctors with giant egos
-Being scammed online out of 300 euros
-Being aggressively pulled into a back room and confronted by a store manager who didn’t like me recording video clips in his store (and thought I was a spy for a competitor. Paranoid much, my guy?).
-Losing friends
-Being used by people who take advantage of your kind & generous nature
-Feeling isolated. It doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you lonely.
-Family drama that results in your inner circle getting smaller.
…and that’s what comes to mind at the moment.
For the record, none of this happened all at once and I am OK. Anything I share here is shared after I have time to process it and work through my feelings. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy… just trying to be transparent.
Nothing I mentioned above has destroyed me, dimmed my spirit permanently, or become my norm. I don’t want this to sound too doom and gloom because that’s not who I am, but it is real life and it wouldn’t feel authentic to me to gloss over some of the harder times.
I’m passionate about writing posts like this one (and this and this) because I was NOT as prepared as I should have been before moving to France. I mean, honestly, how can anyone fully prepare for one of the biggest life changes a human can possibly make?
In retrospect, I have to give myself grace as a naïve 20-something. I am glad she didn’t know then about the hard times ahead, but still. I could have taken off my rose-colored glasses a little bit more.
I want you to do better and really examine your decision to move abroad and understand what it can look like. Not because it’s necessarily the wrong choice but because it’s a HUGE undertaking. I hope my blog as a whole has given you food for thought.
In all honesty, if I knew then what I know now, I’d still have moved abroad. But I would have done more research and work on myself before so I would have been a more confident, prepared version of myself who felt more self-assured and capable right out of the gate.
I hope you hear what I’m saying and that you do your research. Consume the content you’ve avoided that talks about the hard stuff and the bad days. Listen to the person who seems to complain a lot and who seems to be struggling. It won’t talk you out of a move if it’s meant to be. It’ll just make you a more well-rounded and resilient foreigner abroad.
You’ll have fewer culture shock moments, bad days, WTF moments… (wait, no you’ll still have those), panic attacks, and tearful moments of temporary regret. Just me? Haha. I have to laugh. 😉
Despite all of that, moving abroad was the right choice for me and I’m happy abroad in France. I’ve had amazing experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world and I’ve made it through the hard times.
As you settle into life abroad, you’ll start to rack up a bunch of little moments that make you smile. You’ll make new friends and have new experiences and discover new ways of seeing the world. It becomes your home. A shift happens little by little and you’ll be a better person for it.
Maybe most importantly of all, I have a support system of people who love me and who I love, food and shelter, a purpose, a way to earn a living, and a good head on my shoulders. All of that counts for a lot. And I know you’ll do just fine too, wherever you end up. Sending you love!
PIN IT:
I’m ever-mindful of my previous American life. Many good days, many sorrows, and perhaps mostly days that just pass along, one to the other, all but indistinguishable.
Life.
Five years on now here, I’m convinced that (with some exceptions) Life is much the same everywhere. Work, play, eat, rest, party occasionally, hang with friends, and sit in quiet contemplation alone or with your closest one.
Life. It follows you. Might as well embrace it.
Hi David, agree with you that life is life anywhere and we might as well embrace it as best we can! Thanks for taking the time to read my post 😉
Hi Diane! Your post is awesome! So much resonates! I get (probably jealously) annoyed at the rose-colored-glasses Instagram posts from people living abroad (whether it’s France or some other country), who don’t ever mention slogging through the administrative headaches, dealing with lengthy legal contracts (in French!), horribly rude shopkeepers or doctors or hospital staff, and having to write business emails that politely say «you’ve made my life a living hell, Admin Agency, and I hate you» in French – and having my husband edit them so that they aren’t too “nice.” I swear, «c’est pas possible» should be the national slogan.
I agree with you – romanticizing any city, country, lifestyle, can set one up for a real kick in the backside. And with anywhere we are, there are benefits and drawbacks.
I think one of the few differences is that my move to France happened recently, when I’m already in my 40s. I think having more years behind me, including some really difficult ones in NYC (my best friend died of cancer in December 2022, a grief that is insurmountable some days), has helped give some perspective. With a very small family in the US, and old friends/acquaintances who went off to have kids and live in the suburbs, I have already lost touch with many people over the years.
I hear you about loss, family drama (both sides of the Altantic!!), and feeling isolated. With aging parents and plenty of toxic family members (my MIL is just one example), anxiety and fear (and anger, I admit) live with me constantly.
I agree, many of the people who are having the usual life ups-and-downs, aren’t blogging about the struggles. But boy, I am so glad that you are direct about this, because it’s easy to feel like it’s just me, and these other people are just blithely breezing through their “Emily in Paris” lives.
I haven’t yet found my way of managing the isolation or loneliness yet. Sometimes, when I get really overwhelmed, I watch old episodes of “Échappées Belles” – for whatever reason, I find them calming – even if a bit predictable, I like the hosts and it’s enjoyable escapism (literally!)
Your blog helps a great deal too, and thank you for sharing – a bit of your ups-and-downs, your advice, and your wisdom. Hi Diane! It’s me again…anyway, your post is awesome! So much resonates! I get (probably jealously) annoyed at the rose-colored-glasses Instagram posts from people living abroad (whether it’s France or some other country), who don’t ever mention slogging through the administrative headaches, dealing with lengthy legal contracts (in French!), horribly rude shopkeepers or strangers on the street, and having to write business emails that politely say «you’ve made my life a living hell, Admin Agency, and I hate you» in French – and having my husband edit them so that they aren’t too «nice”. I swear, «c’est pas possible» should be the national slogan.
I agree with you – romanticizing any city, country, lifestyle, can set one up for a real kick in the backside. And with anywhere we are, there are benefits and drawbacks. And I also agree, it’s up to the individual to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons.
I think one of the only differences is that my move to France happened recently, when I’m already in my 40s. I think having more years behind me, including some really difficult ones in NYC (my best friend died of cancer in December 2022, a grief that is insurmountable some days), has helped give some perspective. With a very small family in the US, and friends who went off to have kids and live in the suburbs, I have already lost touch with many friends over the years.
I hear you about loss, family drama (both sides of the Altantic!!), and feeling isolated. With aging parents and plenty of toxic family members (ugh, my MIL is just one example), anxiety and fear (and anger, I admit) live with me constantly.
I may not be the usual ex-pat (or immigrant – our moving to France is not a temporary thing). Exactly like you said, many of the people who are having the usual life ups-and-downs, aren’t blogging about the struggles, otherwise most readers would be like “why TF are you there if everything sounds so miserable?”
I haven’t yet found my way of managing the isolation or loneliness. It’s not really a “place” thing so much as it is a “being understood” thing, as you mentioned in your post about not feeling like “you” in another language, culture, country.
Your blog helps a great deal, though, and thank you for sharing – a bit of your ups-and-downs, your clear-eyed advice, and your wisdom. For ex, if it hadn’t been for your posts about doctors in FR, I would not have searched for new GPs after having been mistreated (by more than one!). We finally have a decent GP after about a year of trial and error.
Oh and yep, we got scammed out of 300 euros online too, and boy, does that make me feel like an idiot.
But yes, the little moments of joy, pleasure, connection, and happiness do start to add up. Having people happy to see me, is such a wonderful feeling. The genuine question of “how are you? No really, how ARE you?” gives such warmth, as do the developing friendships.
*also, I clearly have tech issues. Sorry for the “double” comment above – I over cut-and-pasted. Sigh.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! It makes me so happy to hear that my blog has been helpful. Sometimes it feels like I’m writing into a big black hole and I never know who is out there so it’s reassuring to see comments like yours. I hope the feelings of isolation and loneliness lift. I’m here for you. xx
You have such wise advice as always! I lived in another country in my ’20’s. I didn’t move there permanently, but thought about it a lot over the years. I love to dream about moving to another country and have it be perfect. That’s what dreams are for! It’s also a good idea to do trial runs of living in another country for 6 months or a year. Keep renewing that work visa, or whatever it takes if you think you might want to make it your home. Enjoy being that linguistic and cultural 2-year old as an adult. Maybe even find other ex-pats who can relate and/or guide you through all the dr. appts, official appointments, etc., if you don’t have a native speaker loved one to do that for you. Just my 2 euros worth. Thank you for your great writing and sharing!
Hi Lauren, I absolutely agree that a trial run is a great option for people who have that as an option. That way, you aren’t committing to a life abroad forever and it just doesn’t feel so heavy. Even an extended vacation or several ones in different areas can be helpful. What blows my mind is people who write me saying they’ve never been to France but they want to move here. I’m like waiiiiiiit a minute, pleassssssssssssse!
Thank you Diane. I wish I had made an international move when I was in my 20’s, but that was not meant to be. Like you, I recently lost my Mom and the grief was deep and worrisome for those that love me. Then seven months ago I lost my beloved husband and travel partner. The grief is worse and I am still a work in progress. I do have good moments and very sad ones as well. Despite protest from friends and family, I will travel solo very soon
Am I ready to leap to a move? No, not just yet. Starting in January I will rent an apartment in the south of France for 5 months. Time to heal, walk, think, and make plans.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Terri
Thanks so much for reading, Terri, and so sorry about all the grief. It’s so hard. Sending you a BIG healing hug. Take it one day at a time and when the time is right, you’ll know. I hope you have a wonderful time in the South of France!
Great advice as always Diane. Moving abroad is like a marriage. Once the honeymoon is over it’s down to the nitty gritty of every day life.The things that you experience whether at home or abroad.
I’m at the moment questioning our decision to move to France as my husband has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour. Family are still in England and in the beginning I felt really isolated. even though our French friends have been very supportive. Navigating a shock like that in any country is devastating but in another language it adds extra stress. I speak French very well and my husband also but with his condition he complerely lost all his French vocabulary. He preferred his consultations to be in English which is not very practical and I must translate for him which frustrates him. no end.
When one is fit and healthy it’s easy to.get by with a minimum of effort but add illness to the scenario and it gets complicated. The main hospitals in my region are at least an hour’s drive away. There are lots to organise which you must do yourself like arranging nurse visits at home, ambulance taxis to and from the hospital.
We can fall ill anywhere but being ill in your own language is less stressful. I cannot fault the care he has received apart from the initial call out when I was told to drive him myself to the emergency 1 hour’s drive away because they were short of ambulances and it was my very first time in 6 years using the emergency service. Very unimpressed.
I don’t want to sound gloomy but navigating a serious illness in another country/ language is not for the feint hearted. Not many medical personnel outside of Paris will speak your language. So if you’re thinking of relocating invest in getting a good language base for communicating.
I have talked to a lot of people about moving to live abroad (I’m a Brit living in the U.S.), and it’s amazing how many people think it’s like in the movies or cosy TV shows. So many people think it’s what will solve all your problems, and when I say that you tend to bring those with you, and maybe even encounter a few new ones, it’s hard for them to understand. There are many plus points, but those must not be used to conveniently ignore the harder realities. This is a great post that explores this!
Thank you so much for your open and honest post about life in France. My husband and I spent 8 weeks this summer in France exploring different areas to choose our forever (retirement) home. One thing that we had not planned on was the weather in Bretagne this summer. It was awful and we were ill-prepared for the cold, rainy weather that we experienced the entire time we were on vacation (minus a few days here and there). As both of us suffer from chronic pain conditions we definitely are giving everything a second (and third) thought about the move to France. We are hoping for somewhere warmer but the shock of having a cold, wet summer – well, it was eye-opening to say the least, especially as we currently live in sunny Southern California. Just wanted to say thanks again for sharing – your blog posts and videos are always wonderful and we are forever fans. 🙂
Hi Heather, so glad you enjoyed this one! Brittany can be really hit or miss in terms of summer weather but it has its charms luckily. The good part is that there are tons of areas in France with really nice weather, so check out some places in the south!
Thx again ;-))